Say What?!?

First I want to confess that I am totally stealing this post idea from my girl Tricia (you can only visit her blog if you promise to still come back here).  She and I have many things in common, but one of our least favorite commonalities is this: People say thoughtless things to us when they are trying to be helpful/involved in our lives.

Now you may contest this.  You could be thinking, “Well Laura, you’ve aren’t exactly the easiest person to love.  At least people are still TRYING to be involved and helpful in your weird little life.”  And I’ll give you that, I am weird and abrasive at times.  I’m sure I make Jesus roll His eyes on a daily basis.  But let me clarify, I’m not complaining about people’s good INTENTIONS.  Our family has been fueled onward in this adoption journey by each kind gesture and word of encouragement.

Here’s the thing: Hiding amongst the many loving words said about our adoption, there is at least 1 cringe-worthy comment that makes us pull our hair and reach for the Aspirin.  Or eat an entire container of marshmallow fluff.  Or consider strangling Elmo.  

Drumroll please! I give you (in no particular order) the five things to AVOID saying:

1.  “Oh, you’re adopting?  You know, you are going to get pregnant now!”

Wow, really?  All we had to do to get pregnant was to start the adoption process?  Geez-I wish we had known that 2 ½ years ago, it could’ve saved us a ton of time and medical bills!  But seriously though, here’s the issue (explained in terms of dessert foods): I am really enjoying my adoption cake.  I wanted pregnancy ice cream before, but now I want cake.  By telling me I need ice cream -or- that ice cream is going to unexpectedly arrive on my plate, is sort of demeaning to my awesome cake.  Let me enjoy my cake.  We can talk ice cream later.  

2.  “I guess you’re aware that children in Africa have brown skin?”

For the record, yes we do know this.  Also on the record, our family is very, eye-scorchingly white.  Skin color is a total non-issue for us, so I’m not going to spend much more time on it.  Except to say that according to Elijah, “Brown-skinned ninjas are the best fighters!”.  Thank God for that, we’ll need someone around to save our pale behinds!

White Ninjas: Perhaps NOT as skilled, but still pretty darn cute!

 3.  “Why would you adopt from another country?  Aren’t there a lot of children who need to be adopted here in America?”

How we would like to respond to this comment: “Why yes there are many American kids who are waiting for a good home.  Why don’t you consider being a foster parent?”.  Um, we would obviously never say that!  It is not our place.  And as we would never question or tamper with someone’s desire/calling (or lack thereof) to a specific ministry or service, we would ask you to please not question our certainty about this.  Our daughter is in Africa.  The end.

4.  “Are you adopting because you don’t want any more real kids?”

To be clear, we are not planning on adopting Pinocchio.  Our daughter is a very real little girl who will be born in Ethiopia.  No-we won’t all be sharing the same DNA, but there is nothing preventing us from being a “real” family.  Is Elijah more valuable to us because I got to push him out of my birth canal?  Uh, no (and also, Eww)!  Instead of just growing her in my belly, our whole family is growing her in our hearts-the love and desire for her presence increasing every day (for more on that idea, check out this book).  To us, she is already a member of this family-the logistics of how she actually enters our family’s world are irrelevant.

5.  “Let me know how I can help!”

Okay, this one doesn’t seem so bad.  I definitely prefer it to the others.  Let me explain what is tough about that statement.  While being sucked down the black hole of mind-numbing paperwork, red tape, and procedures, it is difficult to string together 4 words to make a sentence let alone give someone a plan about how to best assist us.  Offer SPECIFIC help.  Pray (and tell us you’re praying).  Babysit our kid one afternoon, so David and I can actually focus on the forms we need to fill out.  Send an encouraging message -or- (even better) send an encouraging message with a check included!  Help with a fundraiser/plan a fundraiser.  Just stay involved somehow.  Honestly the best encouragement/help is the faithfulness of people deciding to stick with us for the long haul.  And to those of you who have gotten us this far-THANK YOU!  You are the reason why we are still standing upright and moving forward. 

Hair cutting fundraiser!  People paid $5 for votes to determine what length Beth would chop off!

 
There, I’m all done.  Also, I’d like to take a second and acknowledge that I am not perfect (I know-you are shocked!).  I unintentionally say hurtful things to people.  Come on, we all do!  I just have a platform to tell you the flip side of those particular comments and why they made us upset.  We’re absolutely NOT trying to put anyone on the spot, as we’re all on a steep learning curve here!  Mistakes are bound to happen by everyone involved.  Especially us.

In closing, I would like to offer up a tongue-in-cheek video sent to me by my BFF Meghan (you should also visit her blog before coming back to us here).  Trust me, you have NEVER said anything as offensive as the people in this video.  My apologies to Brad and Angelina.