Um.....Surprise?!?!?

So, I’m pregnant.  (It remains difficult to write that sentence without a question mark at the end.)  Due January 21st, precisely 11 ½ years after their big brother’s birthday. Yeah.

To answer your questions: No, Yes, Yes, No.

• No, this was not at all a projected, planned, anticipated, or even remotely conjured scenario.  Upon seeing the positive test, my first words were complete and utter silence. While David’s were, “What.On.Earth?!?”
• Yes, we are in a state of confused happiness.  I think we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because increasing our family in this way didn’t register as an option anymore.  Upon finding out, my brother profoundly said, “I didn’t think you could get pregnant?!” Us either.
• Yes, we are absolutely still adopting.  Another biological child could never fill the space of our Indian princess.  She is very much a reality for us. And honestly, in many ways, the adoption felt more tangible than the pregnancy in those early weeks.  (Okay, besides the all day nausea.)
• No, we cannot continue the adoption at this time.  *Big Sigh* India law along with agency guidelines stipulate that you cannot be pregnant or have a child under the age of one during the process.  We can start paperwork up again once the babe hits 9 months, but -for now- everything must come to a stop.

The thing about God’s timing is that, well, it’s GOD’s timing, not ours.  With us being so close to our referral for India, this news was an absolute shock.  We wrestled over why this couldn’t have happened sooner. Perhaps 7 years ago when we struggled through infertility treatments?  In the beginning, I was so protective of my India girl that I couldn’t even process the information. It felt like saying yes to this pregnancy was saying no to her.  (Which certainly is NOT the case, but my FEELS are strong regardless their basis in fact or fiction.) To a non-adoptive parent, it’s difficult to explain how present a child from another country -who you’ve never met- can be in your home.  Actually I wrote a parable about it (See ‘Tale of Two Houses’), trying my hardest to convey these emotions. (Please don’t hold my story up to JC’s standards, as the Holy Spirit was not my editor.)

The day after discovering I was pregnant, I rawly relayed EVERYTHING over the phone to a fellow adoptive Mama.  Later on she shared the doodle she was making during our conversation. (P.S. I use the term “doodle” lightly. She obviously has a doctorate in doodling.)  The picture reminded me of a favorite section of scripture from Mark, underlined in my Bible: 

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.”...But soon a fierce storm arose.  High waves began to break into the boat until it was nearly full of water. Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with His head on a cushion.  Frantically they woke him up shouting, “Teacher, don’t you even care that we are going to drown?” When He woke up, He rebuked the wind and said to the water, “Quiet down!”  Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. And He asked them, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have faith in me?”

Written next to this passage, in BOLD, it says, “Laura’s flying verses.”  Because I hate flying. Also, being out of control. Mostly being out of control.  (A surprise pregnancy REALLY calls into question my ultimate authority over all the things. As E would say, "Hashtag eyeroll, Mom.") How chill is Jesus in this story?  He’s literally sleeping through a hurricane, while the disciples were losing their ever-loving minds.  And honestly, JC napping through a storm IS a bit disconcerting to me. Um, wake UP man!! Here’s the point though: Jesus’ internal calm had nothing to do with his external circumstances.  His peace wasn’t affected by the outside world, or others' opinions, or day-to-day life frustrations. Because His confidence was anchored by the One who IS in control. I want to be more like Him.  Often I’m the disciples in the ship, tossed by circumstances and wading through a sea of thrashing emotions. But I love when they finally (and a tad disrespectfully) ask Jesus to intervene. It says the wind IMMEDIATELY stopped and “there was a great calm.”  Can you imagine? Sometimes we get the miracle without the storm and other times the miracle is amplified BECAUSE OF the storm.

We were scheduled for a sonogram at our first doctor’s appointment.  And, until then, I remained skeptical about the pregnancy. Because REASONS.  But there on the monitor was a little 8 week old peanut, with a beautiful, beating heart.  David and I couldn't take our eyes off that heartbeat; it was the most gorgeous thing we'd ever seen. Oh my baby, I’m amazed that you are here. You MUST be a fighter, just like your brother and sister.  When Daddy and I saw you on that screen, confusion vanished. There was a great calm; I no longer felt like I was drowning. In fact, for the very first time in quite awhile, it felt like I was dancing right on top of the waves.