Say This, Not That: A Guide for Talking to Foster/Adoptive Parents

 

Getting help filtering your speech isn't always a bad thing.  Plus E liked taking this pic a little too much.

When our family was still new and shiny and dear in the beginning of our international adoption, I wrote a blog addressing awkward adoption statements.  Mostly these comments came from well-meaning people who were honestly interested in the process, but didn’t have a clue about this type of family building.  Which led to a few uncomfortable moments.

Now that we’re oldies in the adoption boat (but newbies to foster care!), we’ve noticed that within the church especially there exists a weird expectation regarding young couples’ procreation.  Like not only is it expected (the procreation, I mean), but additionally you WILL be questioned if your family hasn’t fulfilled this objective in a certain time period.  When health or infertility or personal choice is the cause of this delay/inability/lack of desire to reach said imposed goal, it becomes really hurtful (Read also: Insulting) to field these queries over and over again.  And if your family building takes a different path than the norm, well then things REALLY start getting confusing.  For other people.

That’s why I wanted to write a few updated questions/statements to specifically avoid when talking to couples about their choice to foster/adopt.  Because we realize that people aren’t setting out to be offensive or unkind, maybe they just don’t realize how their comments and terminology actually sound to someone in the midst of the process.  Okay?  Here we go-

1.  "Oh, are you adopting/fostering because you can’t have kids of your own (a.k.a. “real” kids)?"

There are many reasons we’ve chosen to adopt/foster.  Whether or not we can biologically produce a child is *probably* a much too loaded topic for light conversation.  But, for the record, no matter if our children are adopted, foster, step, or biological, we consider them real members of the family and cherish them as “our own.”  We don’t assign more (or less) value to a child based on how they enter into our family.

2.  "Aren’t you worried about the complications adoption/fostering will bring to your family?"

Any type of family building has its own set of complications.  Pregnancy, labor, and birth certainly have their fair share.  But folks rarely (if ever) suggest that eager expectant couples back out of a challenging pregnancy.  However, that’s relatively common advice given during a hard adoption process or fostering situation.  And I’d argue that foster/adoptive parents forge equally strong bonds (albeit, not biological ones) to these potential members of our families.  We’ve fought for them in court, perhaps sheltered them in our home, waded through mountains of paperwork for approvals, witnessed the hardship of their circumstances.  No, adoption/fostering isn’t pregnancy.  That’s a separate set of difficulties.  But all these processes can still end with similar results of familial joy, frustration, and fulfillment.  Because raising kids is a mixed bag of emotions.  Period.

3.  "Are you concerned that your foster/adoptive children won’t turn out okay?"

Yes.  In general, I believe ANY parent is concerned about their child’s future and well-being.  And certainly, foster/adoptive parents are hyper aware of the life circumstances or genetic predispositions that may affect their child’s behavior.  But just as biological children’s future actions and choices are unknowable, so are foster/adoptive children’s.  Our duty as parents is to do the best job we can, get help when we need it, and pray our hearts out.

4.  "Would it be better if the foster/adopted child was at home with their real family?"

Obviously, in a perfect world, the best case scenario would be for every child to remain with their birth family.  But we do NOT live in a perfect world.  Kids are orphaned and abandoned every day.  Parents elevate an addiction, a toxic relationship, or their criminal behavior over a child’s care.  Perhaps mental illness or lack of resources play a role in someone’s inability to properly nurture their baby.  It’s not necessarily an absence of affection.  Still, there absolutely ARE needy children desperate for a family to call their own.  Because -for whatever reason- their extended birth family, their natural parents, weren’t able to be real family.  (And maybe given enough time and training, they will regain that ability.  That's typically the goal of foster care.)  But REAL family shows up, loves, protects, supports, helps, and heals.  This is less about biological makeup and more about the heart.

Does this all make sense?  Usually after talking through the weirdness there comes an understanding on the other side.  At least that’s how it always works in our family’s round table discussions about Star Wars and Harry Potter.  (Unfortunately, that's not a joke.)  Lastly, I’m leaving you with a video.  Short and funny, it outlines more statements to avoid with adoptive families.  By comparing them with statements to avoid about boob jobs.  Oh, it is a gift to the world and you’re welcome.