Making Love Work

Recently, I celebrated a special moment with my family.  Last month, April 27th, would have been my grandparents’ 75th wedding anniversary.  To increase my “Most Favored” grandchild status (which has been held captive by my perfect cousin Rachel since birth), I had my uber-talented friend Andrea do a commemorative photo shoot with my Grandma (If the picture above hasn’t already convinced you to book her, please check out her incredible website).  Andrea’s images beautifully captured what I’ve grown to hold so dear.  The impact that 2 people, a couple in love, can have on others and themselves.

I will never forget my Granddad Bare.  He’s been gone almost 10 years now.  One of my favorite memories featuring him happened at a cousin’s rehearsal dinner.  After we had chowed down, there was a share time for people to give well wishes and blessings to the future couple (As a side note: Share times scare me.  I call them “Over-share” times in my head because who knows what people are going to say when you give them a glass of wine and a captive audience).  Granddad, nearing 90 at this point, shakily stood and raised his cane (This didn’t seem to be a good sign).  Grandma (who I call “Spicy”, fiery Grandma...not to be confused with my “Sweet” Southern Grandma) was embarrassedly tugging at his sleeve to make him sit down.  Granddad ignored her and started jigging the raised cane.  “This,” he gestured to his cane, “is my helper.”  Then he looked down at my Grandma, “Just like Louise is my helper.”  Speech over, he sat down next to my now red-faced Grandma.  And just like that, something changed in my perception of marriage.

A precious picture of my Granddad Bare with 2 of his favorite "helpers!"

Not that I always expected it to be all fun and games.  David and I’s courtship didn’t remotely resemble a storybook romance….although we definitely HAD our moments (Awwwww).  But in the beginning, there is an ease.  A newness.  You are still hesitant to reveal all your weirdness, so things stay dear most of the time.  Conflict is usually avoided.   Then based on these cute versions of each other, you decide to take things to the next level.  Boom, marriage.

My “Sweet” Southern Grandma (read more about her marriage here) and I were recently talking about this.  She confessed to sometimes watching “Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress” (which was hilarious to me, the actual queen of all things guilty pleasure.  Ice cream, tabloids, BuzzFeed).  Then she said something that really stuck with me.  “All that time, effort, and money they are spending on that dress, they should really be investing in their marriage-their future together.  A wedding is just one day.”  Truth.  In marriage, you can no longer “La la la” your way through every day.  Responsibility sets in.  Bills need to be paid.  There is still plenty of time for fun, but the practical, working side of the relationship starts to emerge more post-wedding.

My Southern G'ma and me!

And married life can be hard.  Not only the loving each other part, but the normal problems of life part.  Work, sickness, financial difficulty, extended family stressors, kids (Oops, did I just put them in the “problems of life” category?!?), and having to be a GROWN UP!  This stuff can cloud your vision.  We get annoyed about dealing with these unavoidable “issues” and then take it out on our spouse.  Or turn conversations about the stupidest things into fights, solely to prove we are “right.”  The simplicity gets lost in the shuffle and we *can* forget whose side we are on.

Or maybe that’s everybody else, but not US.  Never us.

Um (she clears her throat), you remember that January was a difficult month for David and I, right?  To be completely honest, the years encompassing both our struggle to become pregnant and now our current adoption process have been difficult.  Knowing that this adoption road would be hard, we agreed (before even starting the process) to do marital counseling during our wait time.  Not as a last resort or anything, but as a way to strengthen our relationship before our daughter got here.

Well, things got busy.  Paperwork needed to be done.  Deadlines loomed closer and closer.  The pressure of this (in addition to normal life) was huge, both on us and on our marriage.  Lashing out and then begging for forgiveness was common (this was mostly Laura territory).  Frustration ran high.  When we finally mailed out the dossier, it *seemed* like things could go back to normal, that we could take a breath.  But it just never happened.  We kept blaming the stress, the tension, on the adoption, on raising money, on planning the chili cookoff.  The blame never landed where it should.  Then January happened and it broke us.  David and I were the emotional walking dead.  I remember thinking, “Our marriage can’t handle one. more. thing.  How can we continue on like this?”

At long last, David came home from work one day and announced, “I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor.”  And I, of course, responded with something supportive and sweet like, “What the heck did you do that for?”

So, we’ve been seeing a counselor.  That’s a little embarrassing to admit, although I know it shouldn’t be.  I never considered myself a prideful person until recently.  Because ouch, it is painful to own up to the fact that YOU (Read: I) need a little help.  As Jesus followers, I think it can be even harder.  WE put this heavy, judgemental burden on ourselves for sometimes needing to seek additional wisdom beyond the doors of the church, the pages of the Bible, and the teachings of Jesus.  Which is total crap.  Our counselor has spoken so much truth to us in the confines of her tiny office at a strip mall.  Don’t limit yourself.  God can use a close friend, a Bible verse, the right medicine, or even a pimento cheese sandwich (True story!) to set you straight in your time of need.

Here’s what we’ve learned.  Marriage is work!  But those dark whispers that “You cannot change” or “This is how it will always be” or “It is too late to start positive relationship habits” are lies straight from Hades!  When you have 2 willing, committed partners, the load becomes easier to bear.  You start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But there HAS to be room for growth and therefore-forgiveness.  Humility can cover a multitude of sins within marriage.  Honesty plus mutual understanding (Not jumping straight to assumptions!) works miracles.  But most of all, LOVE (not to go all 1 Corinthians 13 on you, sorry!).

About that L-word.  As you’ve been married longer and responsibilities pile up, you HAVE to be intentional about showing love to your spouse.  I often joke with David that in some ways I am more like the typical boy in this relationship; I’m bad at gift giving (Once I got him socks and sock clips for our anniversary) and terrible with sentimentality.  Here’s what helped: Our counselor suggested that we both take a love language test (to determine how we receive love).  Then we (at her encouragement) made a list of ALL the different love language methods (not just our top one) and listed 3 tangible ways our spouse could show us love in each category.  A list for heaven’s sake!  It is amazing, like a love blueprint for the less-sentimental of us.  We typed both of ours out and I’ve been memorizing David’s ever since.  Because, I can tell you this truthfully, I NEVER stopped loving David (or he, me) through these difficult years.  He is the love of my life.  But blindly trying to express that love in a method understood/appreciated by the opposite party can be disheartening.  It can perpetuate a bad cycle of someone giving love one way, but their spouse not receiving that love (because it is not communicated in the way they best understand).  A certain recipe for bitterness.  Not to sound like a broken record, but take the stinking test and then make your lists.  It is stupid simple, but has transformed David and I’s interactions.

Another thing.  Shake up your routines.  It has been our experience that a set routine can kill the opportunity for relational moments.  I don’t mean you have to get all crazy juggling family schedules or anything.  But tucking the kids in and then sitting down to 2 hours of TV every night is a routine that needs to be disrupted.  If time “out” with your spouse really means attending a kid’s baseball game, that needs to change.  And if texting/scrolling through your phone screen at the dinner table has trumped looking into your family members’ eyes and finding out about their day, you need a perspective check (P.S. Phones, TV, and baseball games aren’t bad.  But ask yourself IF their extended presence in your life is a help or detriment to your marriage).  Yes- stopping those routines may feel awkward at first, but fill the empty spaces with something new.  Family game nights.  Cooking meals as a couple.  Impromptu dance parties.  Walk somewhere close (maybe your backyard!) and have a picnic.  Our family loves conversation games (Um, duh.  Have you met us?  We can’t get Elijah to stop talking); we do “Low/High” and “Appreciate” most evenings over supper.  This forces us, even if we are silent for the rest of the night (Not likely), to share the low and high points of our day and to acknowledge something we appreciate about each person sitting around our table.  Easy, but meaningful...that’s how we roll.

Here's how cool we are: In the midst of our snowy winter, we cranked the heat in Elijah's room....

....and had a beach picnic!!  Shorts, umbrellas, and towels were required.  Super simple, but fun!

Why share all this?  Popular opinion aside, this blog isn’t just the easiest avenue for me to confess all my worst sins (Calm down, that’s a joke.  God doesn’t rate bad behavior and, trust me, I’ve done way worse anyhow ;) ).  Actually, I felt compelled to write this for other struggling couples.  I needed a kick in the butt and maybe you do too.  Being apathetic about changing your marriage for the better is not much different than actively screwing it up.  I say this in humility and love.  Because after a few sessions with our counselor, I literally felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes.  I saw things in a different light.  The times I treated my husband no better than an annoying roommate.  When I disrespected the father of my son in the heat of the moment.  The periods I simply co-existed with the love of my life.  Looking back, I hardly recognized myself at points-this stranger who had treated my best friend so poorly (And obviously this behavior wasn’t a one way street. If David had written this blog, he would acknowledge that too.  But owning up to YOUR personal faults first -not finger pointing at our spouse's flaws- is the healthiest way to heal a marriage).  People, this is Satan at his best: A relationship twisted and pierced with lies, busy-ness, and neglect.  Please don't let it happen to you.

My Granddad was right about the cane.  Helping someone down life’s path can be tedious at times.  Also joyful. Running after dreams, crawling out of ditches, piggy-backing the kids, and leaning on each other is part of the journey.  The travel made worthwhile because it’s our story, written as we go.  And in 60 years, I want to remember all the highs and lows wrapped in the arms of the one I love most.