My Baby isn't Breathing
I am a mother who lost a child. My baby never got a chance to pull air into her two perfect lungs. If you've experienced that moment- that absolute devastation of what you hold dear, held lifeless in your arms- you understand. You would NEVER wish that moment upon anyone. Never.
As a public servant at the library AND a recovering English major, I've gotten super good at being diplomatic. At maintaining a certain amicable/agreeable demeanor to interact easily with many people. I can craft my words to gently portray a particular perspective, maybe a less familiar perspective, without making folks feel terribly uncomfortable or challenged by said perspective.
I can't do that anymore.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is the icon people of privilege (present party included!) like to quote during Black History month or times of racial unrest. Heavily featured are his words about unity and love. But what did he say about fighting for justice? These would be the lesser "shared" of King's views, at least within certain circles:
In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, he said, "We should never forget that everything Adolph Hitler did in Germany was 'legal'...." Later in the letter he spoke of frustration with the "white moderate" who were “more devoted to ‘order’ than to justice”; and preferred “a negative peace, which is the absence of tension to a positive peace, which is the presence of justice.....The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.”
Awhile back, David and I delved into deep marital counseling. In a blog entitled Making Love Work, I candidly petitioned fellow strugglers with these words about how our relationship was saved: "Why share all this?...Because I needed a kick in the butt and maybe you do too. Being apathetic about changing your marriage for the better is not much different than actively screwing it up...People, this is Satan at his best: A relationship twisted and pierced with lies, busy-ness, and neglect. Please don't let it happen." And the same can be said for race relations. Being apathetic about changing our country's racial dynamic for the better is not much different than actively screwing it up. Silence -especially over issues of human life and dignity- is nothing more than passive complicity.
I am NOT an expert in this area. But I am learning to be a better listener. We don't need another white voice explaining how to "help our friends of color." Instead, we need to hear the choked, ravaged, and weary cries of our brothers and sisters within the black community. But hearing isn't enough. WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN. WE HAVE TO ACT. And this call to action may feel overwhelming, period. Specifically for those of us (Read: Me) who have not purposefully cultivated diversity within their lives already, we are ill-equipped, under-educated, and at a loss over how to remedy those deficits in the middle of a freaking pandemic. Where do we even start? Luckily my BFF, Nicole, is one of the most gracious and scholarly humans to have ever walked upon God's green earth. Also, she's African-American. Here are 2 great places she's encouraged me to start-
1. Read a history book written by a person of color.
Please.Do.THIS! Learn the truth of history from a different -non-European- perspective. I highly suggest Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix written by Jason Reynolds, the New National Ambassador for Young People's Literature. (This book is Reynold's take on Ibram X. Kendi's 2016 National Award-winning Book Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America.) Considering his well-deserved ambassadorship, Jason was able to tailor Kendi's exhaustively researched Stamped for a "young people's" audience, which was great for myself as a non-intellectual, non-history buff AND also for Elijah as a uber-intellectual, uber-history buff of a younger age. Being his academic self, David prefers to progress through Kendi's original work, slowly ingesting the comprehensive record of a history we -as white Americans- completely missed: The introduction of the very concept of "race" and how that CREATED CONCEPT has biased opinions and systems against people of color from the 1400s until now. Essential for family reading and discussion.
2. Intentionally seek opportunities to interact with your black and brown neighbors.
If you don't have a beautiful, diverse array of multicultural friendships, join the club. My embarrassment over this neglected area in my life is huge, especially considering our family has been in the international adoption process for 8 long years. And trying to pursue and nurture those relationships now -within a socially-distanced landscape under these stressed and divisive circumstances- seems impossible to the point of defeat. Honestly, in many ways, seeking environments where I WAS THE MINORITY felt intimidating enough before COVID that I rarely did it. Because I didn't have to. And it's easier not to. More comfortable not to. (That's MY privilege showing.) But in this strange new world of Zoom calls and online church services, your local (national, international!) communities of color are accessible with the click of a button. I have started attending a virtual prayer meeting with Witherspoon Street Presbyterian Church; their half hour morning meditations stream through Facebook Live at 7 a.m. every weekday (Archived daily on their FB page if I oversleep!), led by Reverend Lukata Mjumbe. I mostly listen and cry, listen and cry, listen and cry. What a gift to be able to join our brothers and sisters in this way. To receive their anguished laments, the incredible, unique wisdom of their history and current experience, and the deepest hopes and fears that they can freely and (please God) safely express using this medium. You cannot enter this sacred space -you cannot hear these sacred, exposed petitions from fellow human beings, fellow Americans- without being changed and challenged to the core.
Being an AntiRacist starts with you. Within you, really. Taking stock of where bias exists inside you as a person. A few gross examples from my own life-
A second big part of being an AntiRacist is acknowledging how the established systems in this country favor some over others. This is the privilege I keep addressing. Maybe you visualize things best with an example, so here's an (admittedly imperfect) illustration from my own experience: The time we spent as foster parents was SUCH a learning curve. Our 3 short placements taught us a great deal and the community of foster parents taught us immeasurably more. Requirements for becoming a foster parent -not to mention caring for a foster child- were complicated, arduous, and intensive. You are held to a standard that even the biological parents did not have to meet. Our foster friends bent over backwards for these beloved children only to watch them -time and time again- return to less-than-optimal circumstances based mostly upon biological relation, not necessarily virtue of performance. It was beyond frustrating to jump through hoop after hoop to earn a level of legitimacy that biological parents were awarded simply by virtue of being biological. Now think of this: White people are birthed into justice, simply by virtue of being white. America was created by our European ancestors who eliminated and sequestered indigenous people groups and used the backs of the enslaved to labor and acquire wealth. These Founding Fathers "established" this nation by declaring "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." In his professional life, Thomas Jefferson used his position of power to pen these words. In his personal life, Thomas Jefferson used his position of power to abuse his slave Sally Hemmings and father at least one -if not all- of her children. The Declaration reeks with this hypocrisy. And this document is the foundation of our system of government. If people of color WERE NOT CONSIDERED PEOPLE when the Declaration was penned, how could that NOT trickle down within every aspect of the government developed thereafter? Our system is broken to advantage white people, period. Our black and brown friends must jump through hoop after hoop to achieve what is simply birthed to Caucasians. Privilege often doesn't recognize itself. Privilege can say it supports people of color, but not understand when protests from people of color fall outside "acceptable standards." You cannot expect people who have been disadvantaged by a broken system to be able to work within the same system (which disadvantaged them in the first place) in order to fix said broken system. This is the "negative peace" Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. addressed in his letter and what Reverend Mjumbe has enlightened me about. In Reverend Mjumbe's words:
Amen.
We put value on what we know. So when someone you grew up with has a son who becomes a police officer, and you sing in choir with a retired sergeant, it's easy to acknowledge the importance of these men and their careers. Clearly, they are decent guys. But if the phrase "Black Lives Matter" sounds more like a call to arms then a statement of fact to you, investigate that. Perhaps you are attributing the regrettable actions of a few onto an entire people group. (Which is why the Thin Blue Line should be LESS concerned with an absolute "no questions asked" solidarity in ranks and MORE concerned with the justice of calling out the gross misconduct and abuse perpetrated by officers within its ranks.) Black lives matter because of course they do. Human lives matter. However Jesus was consistently drawn -not to those in positions of authority or power- but to the persecuted, the oppressed, the outcast. He flipped tables of wealthy enterprisers and "religious" influencers. His place was with the broken and beat up people of the world. The ones with knees on their necks and fear in their hearts. And if Christ was there, that's EXACTLY where His disciples should be.
On the Sunday (Pentecost Sunday) after George Floyd was killed, we went to visit Margot as we do most weeks. On our way, we passed a small demonstration of people honoring George with signs and words. I wanted to jump out of the van and hug every one of the mothers standing there. (Which is saying a lot because I'm crazy freaked by germs right now.) When we arrived at Margot's site, there was already a beautiful bouquet by her headstone, given by dear friends who continue to hold her close. Loss mamas are carried by the moments when other people participate in remembering their child. If someone says Margot's name in conversation, I immediately tear up. Because -even though she isn't physically here- she was, is, and always will be my daughter. Standing there, I couldn't help but think of George's mom, Trayvon's mom, Ahmaud's mom, Michael's mom. So I held onto the white rose I had originally intended for Margot that Sunday. And on the way home, when we passed the demonstrators again, I opened my window and held it out to a young African American man on the edge of the group. Just a basic weird white lady, wearing a mask with anchors all over it, riding in a grey minivan. He gave me a huge grin and accepted the flower. He is someone's child and shouldn't have to be a memory before he matters.
Some links for those who are interested in moving from just posting words into thoughtful ACTION:
NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Inc is America's premier legal organization fighting for racial justice.
The Equal Justice Initiative is committed to ending mass incarceration and excessive punishment in the United States, to challenging racial and economic injustice, and to protecting basic human right for the most vulnerable in American society.
The Thurgood Marshall Institute provides legal and emotional support for victims and their families, strategic support for activists, legal support for local authorities trying to do the right thing through prosecution and consent decrees and training for local law enforcement.
(Thank you to @pureperformance.fit and Lisa Stevens Gilford for providing this information and to my Sister Nicole for directing me to it. I'm trying, girl. I'm listening.)
As a public servant at the library AND a recovering English major, I've gotten super good at being diplomatic. At maintaining a certain amicable/agreeable demeanor to interact easily with many people. I can craft my words to gently portray a particular perspective, maybe a less familiar perspective, without making folks feel terribly uncomfortable or challenged by said perspective.
I can't do that anymore.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is the icon people of privilege (present party included!) like to quote during Black History month or times of racial unrest. Heavily featured are his words about unity and love. But what did he say about fighting for justice? These would be the lesser "shared" of King's views, at least within certain circles:
In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, he said, "We should never forget that everything Adolph Hitler did in Germany was 'legal'...." Later in the letter he spoke of frustration with the "white moderate" who were “more devoted to ‘order’ than to justice”; and preferred “a negative peace, which is the absence of tension to a positive peace, which is the presence of justice.....The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.”
Awhile back, David and I delved into deep marital counseling. In a blog entitled Making Love Work, I candidly petitioned fellow strugglers with these words about how our relationship was saved: "Why share all this?...Because I needed a kick in the butt and maybe you do too. Being apathetic about changing your marriage for the better is not much different than actively screwing it up...People, this is Satan at his best: A relationship twisted and pierced with lies, busy-ness, and neglect. Please don't let it happen." And the same can be said for race relations. Being apathetic about changing our country's racial dynamic for the better is not much different than actively screwing it up. Silence -especially over issues of human life and dignity- is nothing more than passive complicity.
I am NOT an expert in this area. But I am learning to be a better listener. We don't need another white voice explaining how to "help our friends of color." Instead, we need to hear the choked, ravaged, and weary cries of our brothers and sisters within the black community. But hearing isn't enough. WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN. WE HAVE TO ACT. And this call to action may feel overwhelming, period. Specifically for those of us (Read: Me) who have not purposefully cultivated diversity within their lives already, we are ill-equipped, under-educated, and at a loss over how to remedy those deficits in the middle of a freaking pandemic. Where do we even start? Luckily my BFF, Nicole, is one of the most gracious and scholarly humans to have ever walked upon God's green earth. Also, she's African-American. Here are 2 great places she's encouraged me to start-
1. Read a history book written by a person of color.
Please.Do.THIS! Learn the truth of history from a different -non-European- perspective. I highly suggest Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix written by Jason Reynolds, the New National Ambassador for Young People's Literature. (This book is Reynold's take on Ibram X. Kendi's 2016 National Award-winning Book Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America.) Considering his well-deserved ambassadorship, Jason was able to tailor Kendi's exhaustively researched Stamped for a "young people's" audience, which was great for myself as a non-intellectual, non-history buff AND also for Elijah as a uber-intellectual, uber-history buff of a younger age. Being his academic self, David prefers to progress through Kendi's original work, slowly ingesting the comprehensive record of a history we -as white Americans- completely missed: The introduction of the very concept of "race" and how that CREATED CONCEPT has biased opinions and systems against people of color from the 1400s until now. Essential for family reading and discussion.
2. Intentionally seek opportunities to interact with your black and brown neighbors.
If you don't have a beautiful, diverse array of multicultural friendships, join the club. My embarrassment over this neglected area in my life is huge, especially considering our family has been in the international adoption process for 8 long years. And trying to pursue and nurture those relationships now -within a socially-distanced landscape under these stressed and divisive circumstances- seems impossible to the point of defeat. Honestly, in many ways, seeking environments where I WAS THE MINORITY felt intimidating enough before COVID that I rarely did it. Because I didn't have to. And it's easier not to. More comfortable not to. (That's MY privilege showing.) But in this strange new world of Zoom calls and online church services, your local (national, international!) communities of color are accessible with the click of a button. I have started attending a virtual prayer meeting with Witherspoon Street Presbyterian Church; their half hour morning meditations stream through Facebook Live at 7 a.m. every weekday (Archived daily on their FB page if I oversleep!), led by Reverend Lukata Mjumbe. I mostly listen and cry, listen and cry, listen and cry. What a gift to be able to join our brothers and sisters in this way. To receive their anguished laments, the incredible, unique wisdom of their history and current experience, and the deepest hopes and fears that they can freely and (please God) safely express using this medium. You cannot enter this sacred space -you cannot hear these sacred, exposed petitions from fellow human beings, fellow Americans- without being changed and challenged to the core.
Being an AntiRacist starts with you. Within you, really. Taking stock of where bias exists inside you as a person. A few gross examples from my own life-
- When Elijah was picked to apply for the magnet program in first grade, I didn't want to identify his race as Caucasian. My brain thought some kind of elementary school affirmative action might work against him being accepted. Because -as a middle-class, semi-genius, Caucasian male in America- the system is really skewed against HIM. (That's sarcasm.) Nope, he was approved based on merit. As was his African-American buddy Gabriel, his Indian-American pal Rishi, his European-American co-conspirator Aiden, and his Asian-American friend Tennyson.
- Many years ago, David and I went to a B&B in DC to mark our wedding anniversary. Where we stayed was very close to a large Caribbean community. That weekend was a holiday of some sort, so neighbors had gathered in droves along the street to celebrate and dance and be together. Driving through the happy masses to get to our dinner reservation, I experienced a shameful level of discomfort. I had never been the minority. I was surrounded by exuberant, joyful people, but my head told me that this was an unsafe situation. 100% because of the color of the ones who were celebrating together. When and where and how did that idea take root in my brain? And -to take things further- how does our 1 black friend from church or work or school feel within a predominately white environment?
- As per usual with us, about 3ish years ago our family decided to get a Christmas tree on like December 23rd. When we approached the lot where we normally go, there were two African-American men wearing construction vests, parsing through the remaining trees. After parking, I walked up, fully expecting to start the "waited till the last minute" sales banter with them. Since they worked there. Actually, no. No, they did not. I told myself that I made this assumption based on their attire, but felt guilty enough to confess my faux pas to Nicole later on. I didn't even have to finish the story before she said, "...and you thought they worked there." She knows firsthand what I hadn't recognized: We pre-categorize people into certain professions or education levels or behaviors or moral standards based upon the color of their skin, NOT a personal interaction with them. That's called stereotyping or racial profiling.
- This past week, after the murder -Yes, murder- of George Floyd, David said, "I'm getting a Black Lives Matter flag to hang out front." I stared at him silently before nodding yes. But my very first thought was, "Within our rural, conservative town, that flag will put a target on our back." And if my cowardly response doesn't summarize Every.Damn.Thing. about this mess, I don't know what does. It's so easy for privileged Americans to ignore, or scroll passed, or not engage with things that make US feel uncomfortable. Because it doesn't affect OUR DAILY LIVES. Because WE ARE WHITE. We don't have to worry that a traffic stop might end in our son's death. Remaining quiet and uneducated about this long-standing imbalance of power, justice, and representation is no longer an option for those who believe the very heart of Jesus' teaching (from Mark 12:30-31): "'Love [God] with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.’ The second most important commandment says: ‘Love others as much as you love yourself.’ No other commandment is more important than these.”
A second big part of being an AntiRacist is acknowledging how the established systems in this country favor some over others. This is the privilege I keep addressing. Maybe you visualize things best with an example, so here's an (admittedly imperfect) illustration from my own experience: The time we spent as foster parents was SUCH a learning curve. Our 3 short placements taught us a great deal and the community of foster parents taught us immeasurably more. Requirements for becoming a foster parent -not to mention caring for a foster child- were complicated, arduous, and intensive. You are held to a standard that even the biological parents did not have to meet. Our foster friends bent over backwards for these beloved children only to watch them -time and time again- return to less-than-optimal circumstances based mostly upon biological relation, not necessarily virtue of performance. It was beyond frustrating to jump through hoop after hoop to earn a level of legitimacy that biological parents were awarded simply by virtue of being biological. Now think of this: White people are birthed into justice, simply by virtue of being white. America was created by our European ancestors who eliminated and sequestered indigenous people groups and used the backs of the enslaved to labor and acquire wealth. These Founding Fathers "established" this nation by declaring "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." In his professional life, Thomas Jefferson used his position of power to pen these words. In his personal life, Thomas Jefferson used his position of power to abuse his slave Sally Hemmings and father at least one -if not all- of her children. The Declaration reeks with this hypocrisy. And this document is the foundation of our system of government. If people of color WERE NOT CONSIDERED PEOPLE when the Declaration was penned, how could that NOT trickle down within every aspect of the government developed thereafter? Our system is broken to advantage white people, period. Our black and brown friends must jump through hoop after hoop to achieve what is simply birthed to Caucasians. Privilege often doesn't recognize itself. Privilege can say it supports people of color, but not understand when protests from people of color fall outside "acceptable standards." You cannot expect people who have been disadvantaged by a broken system to be able to work within the same system (which disadvantaged them in the first place) in order to fix said broken system. This is the "negative peace" Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. addressed in his letter and what Reverend Mjumbe has enlightened me about. In Reverend Mjumbe's words:
There
is a difference between the “peace” rooted in the Latin word “pax” and
the “peace” translated from the Hebrew word “shalom.” The “Pax Romana”
of the Roman Empire was a silencing and quelling of all resistance and
rebellion to imperial domination, law and order. Today the pax-peace rushes for non-violent “reconciliation” without seeking resolution
of the caustic causes of the conflict. Shalom-peace seeks right
relationship within community and with God rooted in a deep commitment
to justice/righteousness. Shalom-peace is internal and external,
life-giving, sustaining wholeness and fulfillment.
Amen.
We put value on what we know. So when someone you grew up with has a son who becomes a police officer, and you sing in choir with a retired sergeant, it's easy to acknowledge the importance of these men and their careers. Clearly, they are decent guys. But if the phrase "Black Lives Matter" sounds more like a call to arms then a statement of fact to you, investigate that. Perhaps you are attributing the regrettable actions of a few onto an entire people group. (Which is why the Thin Blue Line should be LESS concerned with an absolute "no questions asked" solidarity in ranks and MORE concerned with the justice of calling out the gross misconduct and abuse perpetrated by officers within its ranks.) Black lives matter because of course they do. Human lives matter. However Jesus was consistently drawn -not to those in positions of authority or power- but to the persecuted, the oppressed, the outcast. He flipped tables of wealthy enterprisers and "religious" influencers. His place was with the broken and beat up people of the world. The ones with knees on their necks and fear in their hearts. And if Christ was there, that's EXACTLY where His disciples should be.
On the Sunday (Pentecost Sunday) after George Floyd was killed, we went to visit Margot as we do most weeks. On our way, we passed a small demonstration of people honoring George with signs and words. I wanted to jump out of the van and hug every one of the mothers standing there. (Which is saying a lot because I'm crazy freaked by germs right now.) When we arrived at Margot's site, there was already a beautiful bouquet by her headstone, given by dear friends who continue to hold her close. Loss mamas are carried by the moments when other people participate in remembering their child. If someone says Margot's name in conversation, I immediately tear up. Because -even though she isn't physically here- she was, is, and always will be my daughter. Standing there, I couldn't help but think of George's mom, Trayvon's mom, Ahmaud's mom, Michael's mom. So I held onto the white rose I had originally intended for Margot that Sunday. And on the way home, when we passed the demonstrators again, I opened my window and held it out to a young African American man on the edge of the group. Just a basic weird white lady, wearing a mask with anchors all over it, riding in a grey minivan. He gave me a huge grin and accepted the flower. He is someone's child and shouldn't have to be a memory before he matters.
Some links for those who are interested in moving from just posting words into thoughtful ACTION:
NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Inc is America's premier legal organization fighting for racial justice.
The Equal Justice Initiative is committed to ending mass incarceration and excessive punishment in the United States, to challenging racial and economic injustice, and to protecting basic human right for the most vulnerable in American society.
The Thurgood Marshall Institute provides legal and emotional support for victims and their families, strategic support for activists, legal support for local authorities trying to do the right thing through prosecution and consent decrees and training for local law enforcement.
(Thank you to @pureperformance.fit and Lisa Stevens Gilford for providing this information and to my Sister Nicole for directing me to it. I'm trying, girl. I'm listening.)
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