The "Missed Car(riag)e" Agenda
Yes, October is in the rearview, but let's extend that compassionate sentiment and recognition of loss into the first few days of November. By discussing miscarriage. My dearest Ali, friend for just a year and a half (although it seems MUCH longer, like in a nice way), has braved this soul-crushing sorrow on more than one occasion. So, instead of lecturing from my inexperience, I'm going to pull up a chair (You should too!) and listen to her heartfelt words and advice on this difficult topic:
I have six children. Two sweet boys born earthside, one little one growing in the womb, and three precious angels born into heaven. After my miscarriages I struggled with the fact that the rest of the world went about their normal lives like nothing had happened when my world had suddenly come crashing down. For a few days, friends and family might check in to see how I was doing, but unfortunately there is a very short window of what is considered a socially acceptable grieving time for a miscarriage. In reality, this is a heartache that I will carry with me for my entire life.
I tell you this because while I by no means consider myself an authority on the matter, I am intimately acquainted with the unique brand of grief that accompanies miscarriage. Because of that, I am also acutely aware of the fact that many people have no idea how to support a friend or family member who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy. Grief is funny because for every person, and every experience, and every day, it can look different. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting a grieving friend, but today I share what has worked (and not worked) for me.
Sometimes we just need to know where to start though, so I present to you this non-exhaustive list of 10 ways to support a friend who has suffered a miscarriage:
1. Remember that grief is unique, and that each person will mourn in their own way and in their own time. It’s important to hold space for everything your friend is feeling without trying to force her into a grief-box that makes you feel more comfortable. Do you feel like your friend should be “over it” by now? Do you feel like she should at least be happy that she can get pregnant? Do you feel like she should just try to get out of the house and then maybe she’ll feel better? Or maybe your friend wants to grieve privately and you want her to vent and share her feelings publicly? Keep all that to yourself, and instead let her know that you are thinking of her and that you are available with open arms and heart to offer unconditional support. To hold space for another person means to be willing to walk alongside that person without judging them, or trying to fix them or impact the outcome.
2. Don’t offer religious platitudes like “God has a plan” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Those types of sayings tend to be more comforting for the person offering them than for the grieving person. It’s okay to not know what to say. You can offer love and support without having the words to make your friend feel better (because spoiler alert: nothing you can say will make her feel better.)
3. What would you do if your friend had lost a member of her immediate family? Would you send a card? Flowers? Make her a meal? Do that thing! In reality, she has lost a member of her immediate family, and the grief that she is experiencing may be just as intense. Remember that in addition to her emotional pain, she may be experiencing physical pain as well. Consider how you might help her if you knew she had had surgery or was ill. Would you offer to watch her other children for a few hours to give her a break? Would you bring her favorite milkshake from Sonic? Again, do that thing!
4. Texting is great, but don’t just text “how are you?” as that can be a very difficult question to answer and she will likely feel compelled to tone down her sadness to a more socially acceptable standard for you. Rather than putting her on the spot with a tough question, try just letting her know you are thinking about her.
5. Ask her if she has named her baby, and if so, refer to the baby by her chosen name. Maybe she didn’t know if she was having a boy or a girl – that’s okay. Naming a baby after a miscarriage can be very healing for the grieving parents. With all three of my losses, one of the things I have struggled with most is the fact that my babies were here and were real and yet (most of) the rest of the world will never know or care that they existed. Naming our starborn babes gives us something to grasp onto when the world has forgotten that this little person existed. When you say the baby’s name, it validates their existence, which might be just what that mama’s heart needs in that moment.
6. Under no circumstances should you tell her that she can just get pregnant again. Not only do you not know whether or not that is true, it invalidates her feelings of grief. Her baby was a real person and she had real hopes and dreams for his or her future. Even if she does get pregnant again, it won’t negate her grief over the child she lost.
7. Ask what you can do to support her, but don’t be surprised if she can’t give you an answer. Just keep showing up.
8. Show Dad some love too. Often it’s the mama who gets all the attention, while the father is grieving too on top of trying to stay strong to support his family. (Laura has a really great blog post about this.) Men have different ways of expressing emotion and coping, and so he may appear to be fine on the outside while on the inside he is struggling with his heartbreak and the added burden of having to be the emotional rock for the family.
9. A little gesture like a small gift or even a thoughtful note can go a long way. With miscarriage, particularly in the first trimester, your friend may not have many physical items to hang on to that will help her honor her child. Because there may be no ultrasound photos, tiny onesies, treasured blankets or toys, small items that she can have as a keepsake will be cherished.
10. When in doubt, it’s better to be awkward and admit you don’t know what to say than to say nothing. If you say nothing, it’s easy for your friend to think that you’ve forgotten or don’t care, even though that may be far from the truth. Risk being uncomfortable – your friendship will be stronger because of it.
Rachel Naomi Remen says, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.” If you’re reading this post, you’re already on the right track. By educating yourself about what your friend may be going through and looking for ways to support her, you’re relieving her of the burden of having to be a grief educator.
A beautiful (and visual) addition to Ali's raw wisdom is this short video from Dr. Brene Brown, which details the difference between "empathy" and "sympathy." A very important distinction and lesson in the world of grief and healing. Because (in the words of Brene herself), "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection."
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