Heaven Help Us

The vehicle in question.  E named it Lu.  Because, in his words, "Mama, after Ludwig VAN Beethoven."  Obvs.

So, I started a really spiritual post-Easter blog and then we bought a new vehicle.  Um, a caravan.  As you may remember from my previous writings, I have a hate-hate relationship with those things.  And now we own one.

Listen, I get it.  This is #firstworldproblems to the nth degree.  Like you want to hear a privileged white girl whine about her PERSONAL TRANSPORTATION SOURCE because it “makes her feel old.”  (I might as well grumble over clean water and readily available medical care too.)  But beyond that, it was as if my body was having a visceral response to the caravan.  And not just because I’m a drama queen either.  (Which, admittedly, I am.)  However, I didn’t fully understand until we were headed home in it with Elijah.  I looked in the rear view mirror and saw acres of upholstered space, unfilled and waiting.  Then it clicked.  It was less about me driving this symbol of fully-surrendered motherhood (I made peace with my awkward, uncool reality A LONG TIME ago) and more about the lack of babies to fill said vehicle.  My gut had already registered what my brain did not: The lingering loss.  Tangible now (times three) in my perpetually un-rounded belly, our empty nursery, the vacant car seats.

Yadda yadda yadda.  If you’ve read this blog for awhile, you recognize the repeating theme of my current existence.  Weirdly enough, I have friends on this battlefield too.  Our circumstances may not be exactly the same, but we’re fighting through similar territory.  Here it is: What if God draws you to a certain space/decision?  Not a spur of the moment thing, but an agonizingly thought-out, prayed-for life juncture.  A HUGE commitment or opportunity.  And then what if everything goes to hell in a handbasket?  How on earth does one wrestle that conundrum without completely losing faith?

The Restless study has helped tremendously in this area.  It focuses on the biblical roller coaster ride of Joseph’s rise to power.  Long story WAY short: God gives Joseph a dream indicating he will be in a position of high importance.  Joe, of course, brags about said dream to his 12 brothers, prompting them to sell him into slavery after relaying details of his tragic (fictitious) demise to their horrified father.  J was purchased by Potiphar, a high ranking Egyptian officer, who quickly recognized his new slave’s considerable talents and promoted him to head administrator of the estate.  Since Joe was now an executive hottie with a body (Yes, I just said that), he got noticed.  Most unfortunately by Potiphar’s wife who cried “Rape” when he spurned her sexual advances.  Her manipulation landed J in prison, where his continued good rapport and work ethic again made him management material -now over his fellow inmates.  A released prisoner (a.k.a. The chief cupbearer), whose incarceration ended after Joseph supernaturally (and successfully!) interpreted a dream for him, ended up recommending J’s services to a befuddled Pharaoh several years later.  Joe’s prophetic explanation of Pharaoh’s surreal vision helped save Egypt from famine AND brought him back into a rightful position of prominence, just like his dream ages before had predicted.  (P.S. When 12 brothers came to beg famine relief from Egypt’s officials, guess which prestigious leader welcomed them with open arms and forgiveness?  Spoiler Alert: It was Joseph.)

I find J’s story incredibly convicting.  None of us are promised a fairy tale ending.  (Although, Joe did get some decent foreshadowing about his future.)  I told David the other day, “Some people’s stories finish the same way they started: In desperate desire, waiting for something they won’t receive.”  That’s the bleak truth.  And if all striving and reason for being on this planet died along with our natural body, it WOULD be pointless.  But God created us for His glory, an eternal purpose and privilege.  When heaven is in our sights, this worldly crap can be put into perspective.  Which means, yes- circumstances are often out of our control.  A good/bad attitude won’t necessarily change these situations, BUT a positive/negative stance absolutely will color one’s mindset and effectiveness in the midst of hard times.  Look at Joseph.  He flourished both as a (wrongfully sold) slave and a (wrongfully convicted) inmate.  Um, what?  AND when he finally came into his long-promised power, he wielded it graciously, without malice.  (Many of us -as in ME- would’ve taken this much anticipated chance to enact distinctively terrible revenge, preferably involving a big pit o’ snakes.)  Joseph didn’t let difficult seasons rob him of opportunities to do good, to use his gifts, to be proactive. Was he braiding friendship bracelets and cheerfully singing Kumbaya in his prison cell all those years?  Probably not.  But he WAS waking up each day and -with God’s strength- choosing productivity over passivity, which is a miracle in and of itself.  Or as Elijah sweetly reminded me on our first van ride home, “Good thing we have all these seats because we need room for my baby sister AND foster kids!”  He, like Joseph, didn’t see a void; he saw space to accommodate future blessings.  In other words, trust and hope.

There’s this funny little verse tucked in the middle of J’s enslavement and imprisonment.  Genesis 39:23b, “The LORD was with him and caused everything he did to succeed.”  Does that seem weird to you as well?  I’m certainly not encouraging Elijah to add “trusted slave” and “reliable prisoner” to his successful professionals list.  But obviously, God’s version of success looks much different than ours.  Spiritual achievement is about willingness, perseverance, compassion.  The superficial stuff -a big bank account, fancy power suit, impressive job title- is inconsequential in this existential evaluation.  To the outside world we may look like a huge triumph or failure, but JC sees straight past that external nonsense to our heart.  This was revealed to me in sharp relief recently.  David and I went to CVS to get my prescription (which I’m now calling “Van-xiety” meds) from the drive through.  Coming off days of feeling messy and triggered about foster care and adoption, this pick-up was essential.  As we drove away in our vehicle of empty seats, I glanced down at the pharmacy bag.  And there it was, in black and white, at the top of my receipt, “Helped By: HEAVEN.” 


 You know, it is easy to use our good/bad/happy/sad circumstances as a gauge of Jesus’ involvement in our life.  But the truth is, He’s always there.  Whether WE actively include Him in our lives by consistently seeking God and constructively using our abilities (REGARDLESS of our situation) is another thing altogether.  While our story’s outcome may NOT be changed by diligence, positivity, or hopefulness, it can certainly make the journey to our eternal home more satisfying and fruitful along the way.  So, with Heaven’s steadfast help, we’ll keep on keeping on.  Even from our prison cells (or minivans).

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." --Romans 5: 3-5