Idle Hands, Idle Heart

After 10+ years of working in the library, you’d be right to assume I have LOTS of stories to tell.  Really, you have no idea how many.  Here’s a recent favorite: A regular patron came in to use our public computers.  English is her second language, but we’ve been able to communicate quite well without any major problems.  After spending about a half an hour on the computer, she stormed up to the desk with an exasperated look on her face.  Out of my earshot, she vented frustrations to my manager Tammy, who ended up accompanying her back to her computer.  When Tammy got back to the desk, I looked at her quizzically.  “What was that all about?”  Tammy stifled a snicker.  Apparently, the woman hadn’t actively been using the mouse during her computer time.  Consequently, a notification box appeared saying her session was idle and for her to click any key to continue.  However, because of the language barrier, she read that pop-up message as the computer accusing her of laziness.  Oh, we laughed so hard.  Thank God computers don’t call us out on being slackers.  If that became one of their tasks, I imagine there wouldn’t be much time left for them to do anything else.  

Merriam-Webster defines idle in 3 simple ways-

• : not working, active, or being used
• : not having any real purpose or value
• : not having much activity

I’d like to add a fourth: My life for the past 5 months.

In my last blog, I said restlessness of spirit was part of the reason we’re pursuing fostering.  And that IS true.  (Along with the fact that we feel burdened for needy children and their families.  Etcetera, etcetera.)  But this longing for purpose/drive/motivation has been looming over me for months.  Honestly, it hurts a little to pinpoint it now because it makes me sound like a whiny loser.  I want to blame it on the ridiculous rainy, cold mess masquerading as Spring.  Seriously-give me a break.  The other day, as our family walked to the car, David and I said as much about the weather.  Elijah, completely deadpan, responds, “I know.  I don’t even believe in global warming anymore.”

But it’s not the weather, it’s me.  I just started reading “Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear” by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It has been such a breath of fresh air.  (However, considering my last read was a 400+ page tome about the Civil War, really ANYTHING would be a relief at this point.  No offense, Mrs. Gilbert.)  She expounds on how essential the process of creating/innovating is for every human psyche.  But we aren’t only talking about artistic expression here.  It could be cooking a meal, fixing an engine, writing a blog, decorating a room.  These small or big things are life-giving in different ways for different people.  But they’re equally crucial in adding meaning to our existence.  We are built to find value in a job well done, whether it be assembling a crib or blending a new smoothie flavor.  Creation is key.

That was it.  Realization I haven’t been investing my inventive or spiritual energies into much of ANYTHING recently.  And for a creative, sensitive soul like me, this was inspiration’s death sentence.  All input + minimal output = Very unhappy artist.  Hours of Netflix, Facebook, or even the latest novel didn’t fill the void.  Being mad at God didn’t help either.  I needed to DO something, but apathy dug its heels in.  Because as we all know, laziness begets laziness.  My computer should’ve sent a pop-up message chastening me towards action!

Thankfully, the foster care training kick-started my heart.  I saw purpose way out in the distance.  Then “Big Magic” filled in some more gaps.  This morning I told God that I desired to connect with Him.  He (or my brain) said, “Well then read the Bible, you dummy.”  (The “dummy” part was self-imposed....probably.)  I headed to my favorite book, Philippians.  Verse 13 of chapter 3 stood out like never before: “No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” 

Focusing ALL my energy.  Not on people’s opinions on social media, not on the political circus, not on the newest Marvel movie.  On what lies ahead.  For Paul that literally meant ministering the hell out of as many Gentiles as possible.  But for me and you, the mission might be different.  Boil it down to the basics.  My friend Kris pointedly asked me, “What makes you happy?”  Without a second’s hesitation, I replied, “Writing and being around people.”  This is what fills my tank.  I’m not sure what IT is for you, but I DO know that it’s worth pursuing.  This creative expression doesn’t have to be a career; it has to be an integral part of YOU.  We were designed to create, to explore, to commune.  That’s God’s character displayed in us.  When we restrain ourselves from pouring out our gifts, we essentially hinder His work.  I, for one, am done with that nonsense.  It’s time to chase after the Who and whats that give me life.  Because simply put, that’s WHY we were made.