Timing is Everything

“Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus wept.  So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ But some of them said, ‘Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?’ ” --John 11:32-37

There is one phrase we’ve heard SO OFTEN during our adoption process, repeating it now nearly causes me to weep and gnash my teeth.  Ready for it?

God’s timing is perfect.

I didn’t say the phrase wasn’t true (although that *exact wording* doesn’t appear anywhere in Scripture).  And I didn’t claim it was said maliciously.  It is usually spoken by kind, well-meaning people.  But regardless the source, hearing it still makes me want to rip my hair out.

Let me explain.

If you, as a parent, were separated from your biological child (through no fault of either party), the anger and grief would be unfathomable.  No decent person would deny the cruelty and injustice of these circumstances.  But what if it was RED TAPE keeping you away from your child?!  We’re talking a full throttle CNN exclusive/talk show circuit type of situation.  The gloves are off and you’re coming out swinging.  Because there is NOTHING ON EARTH that would keep a loving parent from their offspring.

Okay.  Now just imagine that in the midst of this heart-wrenching struggle, someone attempts to comfort you about the grievous separation.  And they say, “I know this is hard; no one should ever have to live apart from their child.  But God’s timing is perfect...”

Elijah mapped the distance between us and his future Ethiopian sister.

Can you put yourself in that parent’s place?  Do you hear how insulting and inadequate that sounds to a grieving mother or father?  As I’ve said before-In our house, we call this a “Jesus juke.”  It’s responding to hardship in an overly spiritual way which (perhaps unintentionally) negates someone’s feelings (Entirely made up and silly example- Me: “Ugh, Elijah is misbehaving all the time.  It’s so annoying!” Other person: “Can you imagine how God feels when WE break his commandments?”  That was SO helpful, said Zero people ever).

Now before you get mad, let me say two things:

1. You could argue that we knew what we were getting into with adoption.  The waiting is expected.  And I would agree with you up to a point.  Checks and balances are necessary with any adoption.  Taking all measures possible to confirm a child IS actually an orphan -checking into extended family placements, looking for in-country foster or adoptive parents- is both crucial and time consuming.  But good future parents wouldn’t have it any other way.  A prospective adoptive family wades through the initial government clearances, background checks, fingerprinting, doctor’s visits (and the annual updates of all this paperwork) for the blessing of being matched with their child one day.  However, there are thousands of “pre-approved” adoptive families sitting around w-a-i-t-i-n-g for this match to occur.  Then factor in this estimate: Currently there are 153 MILLION orphaned children in the world.  There is something wrong with a system that benches vetted families, while millions of vulnerable children suffer the consequences of not living in a loving home.  

2. I absolutely believe that God is perfect and in control.  Yes, those facts are comforting.  But in sensitive circumstances, especially ones where time is literally THE ENEMY, having someone proclaim that God is the master of all timing feels like a slap in the face.  It’s rubbing salt in the wound.  Because, although ultimately we would agree with you, nonchalantly throwing out that phrase can cause people to feel dismissed in their suffering and like God is orchestrating the conditions for their deepest hurt.  I’m not claiming that those feelings are accurate or the intention of the advising party, but they hound the grieving family nonetheless. 

Let’s take a breath and talk about Jesus for a second.  Specifically Him in the John 11 passage listed above.  A quick background: Siblings Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were some of Jesus’ closest friends.  Then Lazarus got super sick.  The sisters sent urgent word to where Jesus was ministering because, duh, they needed His healing hands asap.  So when Jesus got the message, He dropped everything He was doing and headed straight to help them.  Actually, no.  Instead He stayed where He was for 2 more days (Whaaat?!?).  Long enough for Lazarus to pass away from his illness.  As He prepared to (finally) go to visit the sisters in Bethany, Jesus told His disciples (regarding Lazarus’ death), “..for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe.”

We know the end of this story.  Lazarus was raised back to life and many people came to trust Jesus because of it.  But when Jesus arrived that day, the sisters had NO IDEA what the future held.  It was hard for them see past the pain of losing their brother, let alone reconcile the fact that JC had (seemingly) ignored them in their hour of need.  And that’s the first thing Mary (being a girl after my own heart) says to Jesus when she sees Him.  Notice His response.  Now Jesus (out of every person on this planet) had an actual right to say, “Mary, God’s/My timing is perfect.”  But He didn’t.  He knew in about 5 minutes everything was going to be miraculously changed, yet IN THAT MOMENT He joined His friend in her sorrow.  He didn’t spout a catchy platitude, He wept with her.  That’s my Jesus.  On His way to redeem our sorrow for good, He stops to meet us in the mire of our suffering.  

My friends, what if we followed the example of our Savior?  First, stop.  Let’s not be so quick to offer advice, or so caught up in “fixing” things, that we fail to meet our brothers and sisters where they are emotionally.  And please let’s not use God’s truth (or timing) as an excuse to skip getting involved helping others.  Because yes- He IS perfect and in control, but that doesn’t get US off the hook for pursuing justice, hope, and provision for ALL His children.

Here's a relevant story to drive my point home:  A little girl was born in Uganda the same year as Elijah.  Leticia.  She’s beautiful, perfect, and also deaf.  Cast out by her parents at the age of 2 when they discovered she couldn’t hear.  Sadly this behavior is not without precedent.  To this day, many in Uganda consider deafness a curse.  Leticia was taken in at the Boanerges Deaf Initiative (BDI), a school created by Joel Mwesigwa (read his testimony here) after the tragic death of his brother Joseph.  This school started out primarily to educate children who others deemed worthless, but over the years it morphed into a home for most of its students, as many have been disowned by their families and have no other place to go.  Enter the Detrow family.  Kris Detrow is adept in sign language and always looking for ways to minister to the deaf community.  When she and her husband John found out about BDI, it was a no brainer.  They set out to support the school however they could, even by traveling to Uganda with small teams loaded with resources to bless BDI and its students.  On one of these visits, Kris met Leticia.  It was love at first sight.  Clearly the Detrows and Leticia belonged together, like matching socks from opposite sides of the planet.  Their next few months were filled with research and candid talks with Leticia and the BDI staff.  Eventually they decided to move forward with an independent adoption, choosing this route because adoption agencies typically only place children from orphanages (and, based on title alone, BDI falls outside that realm).  At the time, adoptions in Uganda were on the brink of some drastic, difficult changes, so the Detrows scrambled to complete their approvals and paperwork to secure an Ugandan court date before this impending deadline.  Fueled forward by love and time constraints, they completed enough legal documents to warrant an in-country court date for custody of Leticia!   With only one approval left processing on the U.S. side, the Detrow family headed to Uganda for their big day in court.  After 9 grueling hours in a courtroom, the Ugandan government granted the Detrows guardianship of Leticia.  In the eyes of Uganda, they are her family.

I wish that were the end of the story.  Unfortunately, it’s not.  You remember that last U.S. approval the Detrows were expecting?  It never came.  They were denied and had to leave Uganda without their daughter in order to appeal in the proper timeframe.  So they hired lawyers, appealed (This whole process costing Thousands. Each. Time.), and were denied AGAIN.  To the U.S. government, elements of Leticia’s case weren’t tidy enough (school vs. orphanage custody being one, along with her biological parents not “officially” -as in, on paper- abandoning her to another’s care.  Apparently, dumping your child on another’s doorstep isn’t official enough.) for our standards.  And in the meantime, this poor 6 year old was left in limbo-safe at BDI in the care of Joel, but longing to be with her family in America.  Heartbroken, indignant, and financially depleted over the multiple denials for their daughter, the Detrows appealed again at the end of 2014.  Then silence.  The government, who demands all appeals MUST be made within 33 days from notice of denial, has no set timelines about responding to said appeals.  After hearing no word for months, Kris set out for Uganda- marking the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of their family’s success in court there.  In March she and her daughter had a much needed, but bittersweet reunion at BDI.  Bittersweet because of all the life moments their broken family has missed, because of the brevity of the visit, because ultimately they knew they wouldn’t be going home together.  Emotionally drained, Kris returned to the U.S. and heard this long-awaited news from their lawyers: Their most recent appeal would FINALLY be given a (positive or negative) response within a two week period.

That brings us to today.  Here’s what I ask: If you are a storyteller, please share the Detrows’ story (For our tech savvy storytellers, there is video of Joel and Leticia at the end of this blog).  If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for this family and the individuals responsible for deciding their appeal’s outcome.  If you are a petitioner, please *kindly* inundate U.S.C.I.S. (U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services) on Facebook and Twitter with this simple hashtag, #bringleticiahome.  You have 2 weeks to help enact a change which would make a life-long difference to a little girl and her family.

In this case, the supernatural timing is a mystery we may never understand.  But here’s what I know- My God is perfect and He gave me these commands: Look after orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27).  Bring good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim liberty to the captives (Isaiah 61:1).  Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).  Those scriptures don’t really leave any wiggle room.  As believers, our go-to response shouldn’t always be to sit back and wait for God to do all the heavy lifting.  He pointedly tells us in James (2:17), faith without deeds is dead.  In His day, Jesus fought injustice in the system, so you better believe that I’m going to do it too.  Can’t you imagine Him rallying beside us, gratified to support a cause close to His own heart?  But first He’d stop and meet the Detrows in their pain, all the while preparing to transform it, Lazarus-like, into something extraordinary.  Well, He’s certainly done it before.  And perhaps my theology is a little rusty, but I think NOW is the *perfect time* for this broken family to be made whole.

"No, I will not abandon you as orphans--I will come to you." -John 14:18