Prince of (our missing) Peace

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulders: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”- Isaiah 9:6

I guess our first mistake was praying for patience.  There’s this running joke within our Bible studies, that if you are desperate (or dumb) enough to pray for God to build some sort of character in you-He WILL.  But often not in the way you were hoping for.  God doesn’t hand out these qualities, the fruits of the Spirit, like candy on Halloween (If so, this house would be SO gifted!  Elijah raked it in this year!).  Instead, we usually need to work for them.  And periodically that “work” involves slogging through some pretty difficult circumstances.  Blah and blah.

Which brings us to: Christmas 2013.  I won’t detail the immense suck-a-tude (Yes, I have a kid in first grade) of celebrating holidays with an incomplete family.  But it is hard and awful with a big ol’ side of suck.  Unfortunately, a few of you understand this pain.  However, being an adoptive family-in-waiting creates such a unique bouquet of emotions.  Eager anticipation and bitter loss being the biggest ones.  You’d get whiplash watching how fast we ping-pong between these two.  It’s the “I CANNOT wait until our baby girl can celebrate with us!” versus the “I hate that our family is having ANOTHER Christmas without our girl!”  Tough stuff.  If you add our years of trying for pregnancy onto these current adoption years, we’ve experienced 4 consecutive Christmases feeling like our family was not whole.

The first ornament Elijah chose to put on our Christmas tree.  See the heart on Ethiopia?  Sweet big brother! 

On top of everything, the adoption situation in Ethiopia has not changed much since this previous post.  Still achingly slow….which is neither normal or expected.  So obviously that’s not helping our psyche either.

Bah-Humbug!  I told you we shouldn’t have prayed for patience!  A couple of weeks ago, I headed into church dragging all this emotional baggage with me.  Weighed down in every sense of the word.  Then our amazing worship team started into this chorus, “The Lord is my Rock and I won’t be afraid, I won’t be afraid.  You’re with me.”  Can I just be real here-no judgement?  I could NOT sing those words.  My mouth would not form them.  My eyes filled with tears and I stood there silently.

It’s not that I don’t believe the song’s statement is true.  I mean, ultimately true.  I believe in every situation God’s plan and control are certain and final.  So that is reassuring and should serve to quell some fear.  But “I won’t be afraid”...at all, ever (okay, okay- I mentally tacked on the last words due to my heightened emotional state at the time)?  It was too brazen, too opposite of how I was feeling to even be spoken aloud.

My thoughts went to Jesus, praying his heart out before heading to his trial and then crucifixion (Luke 22:44): “And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”  Now I’m not a Bible scholar, but this doesn’t sound like a man about to throw a party.  Jesus is scared, period.  And rightly so, considering all he was about to experience.  However, it interests me to notice what preceded his anguish.  This simple prayer (taken from Luke 22:42), “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

It comforts me to know this struggle was present in Jesus as well.  Not that he doubted God’s will, but -in his humanity- He wrestled with it.  Now am I comparing our family’s hard situation to Jesus’ Gethsemane (read: BLASPHEMY)?  That’s an emphatic NO.  Although I won’t deny that it certainly helps to see how HE responded in the most difficult of times.  He healed (Luke 22:49-51) instead of lashing out.  He affirmed his part in God’s plan (John 18:11) instead of questioning it.  Truly “this High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.  So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” -Hebrews 4:15-16

And yes, thank you Jesus, that’s all well and good, but I want to see my answers now.  I want provision now.  I want clarity of God’s plan now (see again: prayers for patience).  I may have mentioned this before, but I’m terrible at waiting (Cross-country travel with me is purgatory.  Ask David).  You’ve heard the quote, “Enjoy the journey, not just the destination.”  Not my favorite sentiment.

Regarding this, I learned an unexpected lesson last week while attending a bridal shower of all things.  At these type of events, food options are usually limited for vegetarians.  Let me explain: It’s very Duck Dynasty around here, people enjoy killing and eating woodland creatures.  Bacon gets sprinkled on almost everything (this could be a *slight* exaggeration).  So at the shower when I discovered they were serving meat-free pimento cheese sandwiches, I may have been overly jubilant to the point of weirdness.  I sought out the bride-to-be’s sweet auntie who was responsible for making them and expressed my thankfulness about her providing a vegetarian option.  She patted my hand and said, “Isn’t it wonderful that the Lord provides?”  As I headed back to my seat I thought, “That is either the most ridiculous or the most precious thing I’ve heard in awhile.”  

Because I don’t see pimento cheese as provision.  My thoughts are consumed with the GRAND plan, the big reveal, the ultimate enlightenment.  But what does this mindset cause us to miss along the way?  Perhaps we can take a hint from Scripture (Psalm 119:105): “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”  Awhile back, I heard a sermon about this verse and it really stuck with me.  There is significance in the word “lamp” being chosen here.  As in lantern (not maglite).  Lanterns, the oil ones used back in Jesus’ day, didn’t provide a huge amount of light.  When guiding your way down a path, they might just cast light onto the next step you need to take….instead of blasting a big flashlight beam a mile long.  That’s where trust comes in, as mentioned in Proverbs 3:5-6.  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.”

This surrender is not easy.  Illumination for only the next step leaves many of us wanting more (Okay, leaves me wanting more!).  But I truly long to echo my Savior’s attitude, “I want your will, not mine.”  To be able to rest in the pimento cheese provisions along the way:  Constant, gracious support from our community, Elijah’s joyful interest in all things concerning his baby sister, friends who leave for China in less than a month (!!) to *finally* meet their daughter.  This isn’t enough and yet it is.  We survive moment by moment, step by step.  And perhaps I should do a little less “leaning on my own understanding.”  But I think Jesus showed us it is okay to be scared, to wrestle with God’s plan for us.  As long as we can eventually overcome these feelings because of our TRUST in Him.  In the meantime, may we find comfort in a high priest who sympathizes with our weaknesses.  Who can handle the raw honesty of our struggles (perfectly voiced by late songwriter Rich Mullins):

Sometimes my life

Just doesn't make sense at all.

When the mountains look so big,

And my faith just seems so small.

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory,

Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

It breaks my heart, but we're still an incomplete family this year.  Cannot wait until we're all together!