I Saw the Sign.....

“As He traveled through Galilee, He came to Cana, where He had turned the water into wine.  There was a government official in nearby Capernaum whose son was very sick.  When he heard that Jesus had come from Judea to Galilee, he went and begged Jesus to come to Capernaum to heal his son, who was about to die.  Jesus asked, ‘Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?’  The official pleaded, ‘Lord, please come now before my little boy dies.’  Then Jesus told him, ‘Go back home.  Your son will live!’  And the man believed what Jesus said and started back home.  While the man was on his way, some of his servants met him with the news that his son was alive and well.  He asked them when the boy had begun to get better, and they replied, ‘Yesterday afternoon at one o’clock his fever suddenly disappeared!’  Then the father realized that that was the very time Jesus had told him, ‘Your son will live.’  And he and his entire household believed in Jesus.”  

-John 4:46-53

So, I asked God for a miraculous sign about 2 weeks ago.  It wasn’t my proudest moment, but in my defense-I was feeling desperate.  Our adoption agency had just sent us a summary of their latest progress in Ethiopia….and it was bleak.  Granted, the stress of planning this weekend’s chili cookoff has most things looking pretty bleak to me.  When I get anxious about something, life becomes hateful and cruel.  David jokes(?) that “the world is conspiring to make my life unhappy.”  And maybe I’ve read a tad too many Lemony Snicket books to disagree with him.      

But back to our agency’s report.  Basically, because of a few coinciding events (Ethiopian holiday + recently implemented government paperwork) things are VERY slow for adoptions in Ethiopia right now.  And really, international adoptions are slowing down in Africa as a whole.  This makes me crazy and scared.  I cannot express to you how it feels to have the timeline for meeting our daughter COMPLETELY out of our hands.  The 2 1/2 year wait originally given to us by our agency is merely a guess based on the current adoption trends they see in country.  So, we could be waiting longer.  Which leaves me in a puddle of emotions, the prominent ones being anger and fear.

Later in the evening, after reading the report, I was straight with God.  “I need a sign that we are doing the right thing, that we will eventually bring home our daughter from Africa.  Please, please, please.”  In reality, I was probably more whiny than that, but you get the gist.  So I waited.  For a dream, sky writing, a baby in a basket on our doorstep-SOMETHING that proved God had heard my cry. 

Beautiful sky, BUT no writing!!

The next morning after getting ZERO confirmation from Jesus about anything, I headed to work-reluctant and discouraged.  Along the way, a discussion from a recent Bible study (about the passage above) slowly surfaced in my mind.  Specifically where Jesus says, “Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders? (Ooops, I guess I forgot that part!)”  Our discussion about these verses centered on this: Believe in the Man, not the miracle.  Faith should be in Jesus (His redemptive work on the cross and, if we allow it, in our lives) period, not in what He can magically make happen for us.  

However, I can’t help but identify with the father in this story who came to Jesus, begging for his child’s healing.  And Jesus, the master of the understatement, chooses not to travel with him and heal his son in front of his eyes.  Instead, He tells the man, “Go back home.  Your son will live.”  Um, okay?  I would be all, “Well, thanks a lot Jesus, but how about you beam us over there so I can see you do your thing.”  But Jesus knew this man, inside and out, and He gave him the exact lesson necessary to nurture his belief.  Learn to TRUST Jesus at his word, then walk by faith all the way (about 20 miles) home.  Longest.  Trip.  Ever.  But also, the best ending ever.  A boy made physically well, resulting in his entire family becoming spiritually whole.  Jesus hit it out of the park again.

Blah.  Needless to say, my recollection of this timely discussion was NOT exactly the sign I was looking for.  I was thinking more along the lines of a call from the president, but BOO-God doesn’t bend His will to my wants.  Also, He doesn’t like to be bossed around (which is a shame because that’s something I’m really good at).  So that weekend, I surrendered myself to the non-sign sign.  To try to live like faith in God and His plan was enough.

Then Monday rolled around.  And, to add insult to injury, I had to lead our Bible Study that morning.  Bluntly put, I was OVER it.  The weekend of “trying to live by faith” was losing its shine and I was back to feeling depressed about the uncertainty surrounding our timeline for the adoption.  

Enter Jen Hatmaker (not literally, although that would have been SO amazing).  She is a fantastic, snarky author who adopted 2 children from Ethiopia and writes best-selling books about Jesus.  Obviously, I love her (but also hate her a little bit too, since she has already accomplished the things I dream of doing).  Our group is reading and discussing her book, Seven.  That morning as I was pulling from the leader’s guide, I came upon this section where she talks about the despair and frustrations of the adoption process:

"When we were stuck in the Ethiopian court system for our son, staring down an an impending rejection for his adoption, we hit darkness.  Month after month stretched out, as our children waited for us, victims of a difficult, chaotic system.  A black cloud hovered over me and I could not shake it….

During that time, well-meaning friends offered many versions of this statement: 'Chin up! Find joy in this! This is all God's timing, so don't worry!' Good reader, I know this came from loving hearts, but it would not pierce my grief. My spirit would not receive this, no matter how much I prayed and faked it.

Finally I screamed in desperation: 'I am worried, God! I am devastated! My children are on another continent wondering why we haven't come for them, and they are going to bed without a mom and dad tonight again, and my heart is broken! I will not put my chin up! I will not skip around like Pollyanna! I am angry and sad and hurting for them and raging against the political systems that keep children in orphanages and families in poverty! If grieving for them is wrong, I do NOT want to be right ever again in my life!"

Very quietly, very clearly, God spoke to me: 'When I asked you to adopt, I invited you into the suffering of the orphan. That suffering includes all their losses, all their grief, all their fear. You are suffering with them right now, because that is part of the deal. You will suffer with them even more once they get home. When you said yes to adoption, you agreed to enter their brokenness and live there with them until they were healed. Obeying Me means suffering with those who suffer, which is dark and painful and it hurts. You don't get to live a happy, oblivious life while My vulnerable ones grieve. Jesus was a Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, and you are His disciple. You are not wrong....you are following Me into the kingdom.' '....We share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory' (Romans 8:17)."

Oh my heart.  I felt like I had been struck by a lightning bolt.  She had expressed my feelings so exactly, David must’ve secretly been texting her.  Sometimes God has to be super obvious to catch his (really dumb) children’s attention.

I want to place my trust in Jesus, not in a magical message in the sky.  This hard teaching, to walk by faith and not by sight, will surely accompany us throughout the adventure of bringing our daughter home.  Some days the lesson will be easier than others.  Occasionally it will feel we’ve embarked on the longest trip ever.  Yet we’ve been asked to persist.  Because while I lay in my comfortable bed asking God to prove Himself through extraordinary means, there are millions of orphans standing by-waiting for a home and family to call their own.  So do I really need a giant adoption check with “Miracles come true” written in the memo line to convince me to stay the course?  No, I shouldn’t (although we did get that VERY thing on the following Friday.  I know!).  Our “sign” as believers is this: Jesus doesn’t mince words, his message is clear.  “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress….(James 1:27)”  I’d say that’s confirmation enough.