Doing the Decade Dance
On the 20th of this month (in ONE week exactly), David and I will be married 10 years. 10 years!?!? Shut the front door. Really, it is mind boggling that 10 years of our lives have vanished that quickly. Although, there were a few clues. There’s this 6 year old living with us now, David and I are both sporting a few gray hairs (or as I like to say, “ultra blonde streaks”), and after extended, strenuous activity we practically need a backhoe to lift us out of bed. Sayonara youth. Hello graduating to the grown up table.
Surviving 10 years of marriage with love still left in your heart is pretty serious stuff. Not to pat ourselves on the back or anything, but it IS (David would like to interject that on our anniversary this year some people owe him money. You know who you are!). And even though I enjoy taking credit for being awesome, we owe everything to Jesus- the patience and love He taught us. Honorable mention goes to our wonderful families and friends, you guys gave us strength when we had none. Academy award speech over.
I mentioned in my last post that David and I met on a college missions trip. Perhaps you’ve heard the proverb, “From small beginnings come great things.” Well I’d like to share the small seed that sprouted into the greatest, most significant event of my life, our marriage.
The beginning: Spring break 2001. Our college had various missions/working trips available for those who were willing to raise funding and shirk their collegiate duty to party hard at a beach for that week. Consider us duty shirkers. My best friend Jessica, her boyfriend Peter, and I decided we were in for a Habitat for Humanity trip that year. Actually, we filled the last three vacancies on the sign up sheet (Yes, there was actually a dear paper sign up sheet that you wrote on with a pen. Isn’t pre-tech stuff so cute?). After the team was established, we were emailed about gathering for an informal meeting so we could meet the rest of our group members.
Let me take a moment to say, I was sorta a miscreant in college. But not as you’d imagine the typical college delinquent (although Jess and I did accidentally steal a car which is kinda a big deal). No--this was a little Christian college in Ohio, so our “offenses” were minor but memorable. Skateboarding, taking food from the cafeteria, dressing like weirdos, prank calling people in the wee morning hours, rollerskating in our dorm rooms, dressing in cardboard armor. We basically embraced NOT fitting in the mold. That plays an important part in what comes next.
My adorable husband was a co-leader of our Habitat trip, which meant that he ran many of our meetings. And we made his life miserable. I remember once on the way to one of the meetings, Jess, Peter, and I all traded coats/identities. Then we would only participate in the discussion if people referred to us by our coat’s original owner’s name. We would scream “GROSS” at David if we ever saw him walking across campus (He got the last laugh though, as I am now saddled with that very name). We’d kick his knees out from behind him in the cafeteria and run away laughing. It was some serious middle school stuff going on. And I can HONESTLY tell you that my actions at that time weren’t stemming from any feelings I had for David, it is just how I (unfortunately) acted back then. Poor social worker David would leave our team meetings, go back to his dorm room, and pour over his “Group Dynamics” book looking for tactics to make us better behaved. As if.
Then Spring Break finally arrived and we loaded up to head to Mississippi. I still have a soft spot in my heart for that state. I had never seen such poverty/generosity coexist anywhere else in my life. The people were so gracious, beautiful. They also had the richest Southern accents we’d ever heard. We spent a lot of time saying, “Huh? What?” And they’d roll their eyes at our whiteness and patiently repeat themselves. Let me tell you, Jesus was present in the people of Mississippi and it opened up my heart.
I won’t bore you with gory details, but David and I bonded quickly on that trip. How about the snapshot version? Late night conversations about the bayou to keep him awake while driving. Taking turns reading “Angela’s Ashes” aloud. Working together to shingle a house. Him pushing me in a grocery cart while buying food for the team. Laying on the freezing ground watching stars and talking until we could barely feel our toes. Playing with the stray dogs that milled about the house where our team stayed. Him napping with my cloud comforter tucked around his feet. Our introduction to the glory that is jambalaya in Mississippi. Me eating a gecko tail to win a candy bar. Group storytelling around a campfire. The eventual end to a life changing week.
You can obviously see (gecko tail eating aside) that neither David or I stood much of a chance. But it took a dumped girlfriend (OOoops, did I forget to mention that part?) and 6 LONG months before I was ready to make it official, commitment phobe that I am.
And it was smooth sailing from there. We were careful to maintain friendships outside of each other (That continues to be one of the main reasons our marriage has lasted this long), but we were in LURVE big time. I remember when I finally blurted out “I love you” for the first time (over the phone-I know, eye roll) to David. He refused to return the sentiment until he had dashed over to my dorm in his car, taken us to a beautiful bridge, and, heart-pounding, tenderly kissed my cheek. Swoon.
So he finished his senior year and became a Case worker at an alternative school in Ohio, fully intending to stay in the state until I had finished up my last year of school. And I fully intended on having a ring on my finger within the first few weeks of my final fall semester (P.S. My Granddad owned a jewelry store in the town where I grew up, so my cousin Rachel and I had our engagement rings picked since about 8th grade). Then came a day when David asked me to clear my schedule. My suspicions were aroused and I wasn’t quiet about it. I told the girls on my hall to be ready to sing “Going to the Chapel” when I got back that night (a weird post-engagement Christian school tradition).
We had a lovely date at a nearby park. Picnic followed by holding hands and jumping across creek stones. I will never forget that moment when I glanced up at the sun and looked back down to see David on his knee. “YES!” was out of my mouth before he even finished talking.
However once the ring was on my finger, I heard “No” and felt “No” down to the pit of my stomach. I tried to put on a happy face, but David knew something was wrong. The walk back to the car was like a death march, the ring felt like a weight dragging me down. Our drive back to college was silent. I was heartbroken and confused. I had never before heard or felt anything from Jesus so clearly as that “No”. How could an engagement to the love of my life NOT be His plan for us? As David pulled in front of my dorm, we tearfully exchanged words and I pulled the ring off and handed it back to him. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life, I can still recall that awful ache today.
The next weeks were frustrating and hard. We had gotten to the point in our relationship where we not only loved each other, but also the other’s family as well. Dealing with this situation could become messy, but we weren’t ready to give up. Thank Jesus we both come from godly homes that offered only support and love during this difficult time (Each future Mother-in-law wrote the prospective spouse an encouraging and non-judgemental letter. It meant the world to me, considering I was convinced David’s family would want to tar and feather me on their next visit). We wanted to be together, but were both (especially David) hurting deeply. Counseling seemed to be the best option and one I HIGHLY recommend to other couples today. Through our sessions, we learned there were some things that needed work on both sides of our relationship. Our timing versus God’s timing was an issue. Being honest about our weaknesses was another. We sloooooowly wised up as the months continued to pass, but I still felt sad and confused most of the time. I filled the emptiness by clinging to Jesus like never before.
5 months passed. We were tiptoeing close to being comfortable again. Our talks about marriage were more frequent, but I left them feeling as skittish as a cat close to a bathtub. I knew our relationship wouldn’t rebound from another failed proposal, so I hesitated talking about “serious” stuff. Finally one evening-devoid of any pomp or splendor-David dug my ring back out of his underwear drawer (True story!) and asked if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Needless to say, I did.
So, neither proposal employed any rose petals. Our road to the altar was not paved with glitter and rainbows, but those things have been mysteriously absent from our marriage as well. We didn’t float on a magical cloud of happiness to get to this 10 year anniversary. It was hard…...and joyful, sad and silly, painful and fulfilling. But I do NOT regret one bit of it. I don’t regret saying “No” to that proposal when God spoke so clearly to my heart. Because that resulted in David and I laying the foundational grunt work that would benefit the rest of our lives together. We knew, even before repeating the marriage vows on our wedding day, that we were together for better or worse. We had already established that. This man is the love of my life and nothing (unemployment, infertility, and even an intrusive adoption process) can change that. In the words of our favorite song picked long ago, “...No need for reminding, you’re still all that matters to me.” I love you, David James Gross.
Surviving 10 years of marriage with love still left in your heart is pretty serious stuff. Not to pat ourselves on the back or anything, but it IS (David would like to interject that on our anniversary this year some people owe him money. You know who you are!). And even though I enjoy taking credit for being awesome, we owe everything to Jesus- the patience and love He taught us. Honorable mention goes to our wonderful families and friends, you guys gave us strength when we had none. Academy award speech over.
I mentioned in my last post that David and I met on a college missions trip. Perhaps you’ve heard the proverb, “From small beginnings come great things.” Well I’d like to share the small seed that sprouted into the greatest, most significant event of my life, our marriage.
The beginning: Spring break 2001. Our college had various missions/working trips available for those who were willing to raise funding and shirk their collegiate duty to party hard at a beach for that week. Consider us duty shirkers. My best friend Jessica, her boyfriend Peter, and I decided we were in for a Habitat for Humanity trip that year. Actually, we filled the last three vacancies on the sign up sheet (Yes, there was actually a dear paper sign up sheet that you wrote on with a pen. Isn’t pre-tech stuff so cute?). After the team was established, we were emailed about gathering for an informal meeting so we could meet the rest of our group members.
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| The verse chosen for the back of our team shirts. Appropriate. |
My adorable husband was a co-leader of our Habitat trip, which meant that he ran many of our meetings. And we made his life miserable. I remember once on the way to one of the meetings, Jess, Peter, and I all traded coats/identities. Then we would only participate in the discussion if people referred to us by our coat’s original owner’s name. We would scream “GROSS” at David if we ever saw him walking across campus (He got the last laugh though, as I am now saddled with that very name). We’d kick his knees out from behind him in the cafeteria and run away laughing. It was some serious middle school stuff going on. And I can HONESTLY tell you that my actions at that time weren’t stemming from any feelings I had for David, it is just how I (unfortunately) acted back then. Poor social worker David would leave our team meetings, go back to his dorm room, and pour over his “Group Dynamics” book looking for tactics to make us better behaved. As if.
Then Spring Break finally arrived and we loaded up to head to Mississippi. I still have a soft spot in my heart for that state. I had never seen such poverty/generosity coexist anywhere else in my life. The people were so gracious, beautiful. They also had the richest Southern accents we’d ever heard. We spent a lot of time saying, “Huh? What?” And they’d roll their eyes at our whiteness and patiently repeat themselves. Let me tell you, Jesus was present in the people of Mississippi and it opened up my heart.
 |
| Our team: Peter, Jess, and I at lower right. David (very back) is as far away from us as possible! |
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| Photographic proof of me doing manual labor-a rare find! |
And it was smooth sailing from there. We were careful to maintain friendships outside of each other (That continues to be one of the main reasons our marriage has lasted this long), but we were in LURVE big time. I remember when I finally blurted out “I love you” for the first time (over the phone-I know, eye roll) to David. He refused to return the sentiment until he had dashed over to my dorm in his car, taken us to a beautiful bridge, and, heart-pounding, tenderly kissed my cheek. Swoon.
 |
| One of our first dates. Aren't we like baby versions of ourselves? |
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| Having fun at our Junior/Senior. My arm muscles still haven't developed. |
We had a lovely date at a nearby park. Picnic followed by holding hands and jumping across creek stones. I will never forget that moment when I glanced up at the sun and looked back down to see David on his knee. “YES!” was out of my mouth before he even finished talking.
However once the ring was on my finger, I heard “No” and felt “No” down to the pit of my stomach. I tried to put on a happy face, but David knew something was wrong. The walk back to the car was like a death march, the ring felt like a weight dragging me down. Our drive back to college was silent. I was heartbroken and confused. I had never before heard or felt anything from Jesus so clearly as that “No”. How could an engagement to the love of my life NOT be His plan for us? As David pulled in front of my dorm, we tearfully exchanged words and I pulled the ring off and handed it back to him. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life, I can still recall that awful ache today.
The next weeks were frustrating and hard. We had gotten to the point in our relationship where we not only loved each other, but also the other’s family as well. Dealing with this situation could become messy, but we weren’t ready to give up. Thank Jesus we both come from godly homes that offered only support and love during this difficult time (Each future Mother-in-law wrote the prospective spouse an encouraging and non-judgemental letter. It meant the world to me, considering I was convinced David’s family would want to tar and feather me on their next visit). We wanted to be together, but were both (especially David) hurting deeply. Counseling seemed to be the best option and one I HIGHLY recommend to other couples today. Through our sessions, we learned there were some things that needed work on both sides of our relationship. Our timing versus God’s timing was an issue. Being honest about our weaknesses was another. We sloooooowly wised up as the months continued to pass, but I still felt sad and confused most of the time. I filled the emptiness by clinging to Jesus like never before.
 |
| Elijah found this in his fortune cookie this week. Coincidence? I think not! |
So, neither proposal employed any rose petals. Our road to the altar was not paved with glitter and rainbows, but those things have been mysteriously absent from our marriage as well. We didn’t float on a magical cloud of happiness to get to this 10 year anniversary. It was hard…...and joyful, sad and silly, painful and fulfilling. But I do NOT regret one bit of it. I don’t regret saying “No” to that proposal when God spoke so clearly to my heart. Because that resulted in David and I laying the foundational grunt work that would benefit the rest of our lives together. We knew, even before repeating the marriage vows on our wedding day, that we were together for better or worse. We had already established that. This man is the love of my life and nothing (unemployment, infertility, and even an intrusive adoption process) can change that. In the words of our favorite song picked long ago, “...No need for reminding, you’re still all that matters to me.” I love you, David James Gross.
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