When the Answer is "No"

This blog post has been sitting on the back burner of my mind for awhile.  It is hard for me to gently write/say ANYTHING in normal life, so when it comes to sensitive topics--I feel extra cautious (and rightly so!!) about phrasing things correctly.  To me prayer is beyond important, it is life-giving.  So I sat on this topic for a long time, letting it marinate in my brain juices (Is it a little obvious that I just finished reading “Silence of the Lambs”?).  But lately I’ve been feeling the nudge to put my two cents out there, so here we go....

God is a vending machine in the sky.  That is how many people view him.  Or maybe He’s an old, bearded man controlling the karma vending machine in the sky, but the idea’s pretty much the same.  If you say the right words in your prayers, if you give to the best charities, if you help little old ladies across the street--then BING, BING, BING (that’s less of a vending machine sound and more of a casino game sound, but you get the picture), God’s gonna pour out the good stuff on you!

Baloney!  Now, say it with me- Baloney!  God does NOT show his love and approval by dumping giant savings accounts, healthy immune systems, SUVs, or prosperous businesses on his children.   I’m NOT declaring that He won’t do that -or- can’t do that.  But using a person’s health/wealth/success as an indication of God’s favor on their life is a slippery slope that leads into all sorts of other nasty assumptions.  And you’ve heard what they say about assuming things, right?

Here’s what I think: In America, we show love by giving gifts.  “Every kiss begins with Kay”....and the other nonsense we hear a billion times a day.  I’ve bought into the lie too, here’s a “Love Timeline” I created measured by typical gifts given as the years progress.  Candy necklaces and valentines.  Then, friendship bracelets (now, I guess it is Silly Bandz) and Best Friend necklaces.  Letter jackets, class rings.  For me in college, it was mixed tapes (yes, I am that old), moving to flowers, and finally an engagement ring.  Wedding rings, anniversary bouquets, diamond earrings.  A lifetime of love in an accumulation of things.  And it’s okay that some of those objects are dear to us, important as they should be.  But when we believe love can only be shown by giving us what we want or desire, we start our first steps down that slippery slope.

Yeah, my husband is a bouquet master!!

Because God does not always answer our prayers how we would hope.  You’ve heard of the typical 3 answers to prayers: Yes, No, and Wait (which I think is another way of saying “No” for now).  Well, we’ve gotten “No” several specific times and it seriously messed with us.  Especially when we were desperate for a second pregnancy.  How could this NOT be a gift that God wanted to give to us?  Well intentioned people told us, “I know because of your faith, things will work out.”  (Can I just take a second and say how false that statement is?!  If David and I had heard those words as baby believers, it could have killed our faith when our prayers weren’t answered how we wanted.  Please Friends, watch what you say!  Don’t get God’s plan confused with YOUR hopes for a favorable outcome because the 2 can be very different things!).  We felt like we deserved our prayers to be answered; we’d earned it!  We are good people (not being braggy, but we really are!).  When others were granted a pregnancy, I wondered what they had done correctly and what we had missed.  You see how that vending machine mentality had crept into my thinking?

Here’s what I know now: I don’t deserve anything.  All that my sinful actions on this earth have earned me is separation from a perfect God.  So what I’m entitled to brag about is Jesus.  His redemptive work and patience in my life.  Any blessings from God beyond that are a bonus, not a requirement.

Granted, that type of thinking is practically impossible when you are in the middle of a crushing situation.  It seems stupid to have to pray for health, pregnancy, safety, money to pay bills, food--when most of the world is just gliding by seeming completely unaware and untouched by any trouble whatsoever.  It creates an internal desperation, a brokenness that is difficult to describe.  You can become bitter.  Or you can allow that hurting space to be filled with a renewed dependence on God.

I am reading a book, “Kisses from Katie”, and it is completely ruining me in a good way.  Just when I thought I had a huge burden for Africa, I find out about this chick.  The book follows the true story of Katie--who graduated high school, then immediately moved to Uganda as a single 19 year old, started a non-profit organization to give Ugandan children education resources, and adopted 14 little girls into her family.  Upon coming back to the United States for a time, she talks about missing the dependence on God that came so easily in Uganda: “But what has been the biggest shock to my system, the huge disconnect, is that I have stepped out of my reliance on God to meet my needs.  I ‘miss’ Jesus.  He hasn’t disappeared, of course, but I feel so far from Him because my life is actually functioning without Him.  By ‘functioning,’ I mean that if I am sick, I go to the drugstore or to the doctor.  If I am hungry, I go to the grocery store.  If I need to go somewhere, I get in my car.  When I need some advice or guidance, I call my mom.....I keep forgetting to ask God first to heal me, to fill me, to guide me, to rejoice with me.  I have to set aside ‘time to pray’ in the morning and at night instead of being in constant communication with Him.  In Uganda, because I was so physically ‘poor’, I was completely dependent on God and spiritually as wealthy as ever.”  Wow.

Thanks to Katie, I now see that abundance and prosperity can hinder us in certain ways from experiencing God’s love and presence in our lives.  It’s not a stretch to figure out that the conveniences of American life can easily distract us from what is truly important.  Matthew 5:3 says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Perhaps the true blessing comes only when things are withheld from us because then we get to see God's work happen unencumbered by the limited scope of our desires.

So, God told us “no”.  Maybe He’s answered your prayers that way too.  Please hear me: You cannot measure God’s love in your life by the (negative or positive) answers you receive to your prayers.  And furthermore-these answers don’t (necessarily) have anything to do with how “good” or “bad” you’ve been acting lately, as evidenced in John 9:2-3.  “ ‘Rabbi,’ his disciples asked him, ‘why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or his parents' sins?’  ‘It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins,’ Jesus answered.  ‘This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.’ "

When we don’t receive our miracle, the answer we had hoped for, it gives us the opportunity to bring glory to God in unexpected, challenging situations.  And, I would argue, that THIS is exactly the message the world is starving to hear.   We don’t need a Jesus who will hold our hand during easy, prosperous times.  No, the God I serve is One who can (but won’t always) change my circumstances.  However He absolutely WILL change my heart, my attitude, and my spirit as I attempt to glorify Him through the hardships in my life.  “These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”--1 Peter 1:7.