The Deep Darkness

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a modern-day, more screwed up version of Aesop.  Or at least, Blog Laura has been giving that impression.  Every story has a moral.  Every struggle has a deeper meaning.  I feel like I need to apologize for this because it isn’t honest.  Some things don’t have bright sides, they just don’t.  Sometimes life is plain awful and hard.

As a follower of Jesus, it is hard to admit when things don’t make sense.  We hate to acknowledge our confusion with God’s grand plan.  Personally, I think a hallmark of genuine belief is a curious, questioning spirit.  I don’t believe we were created to go with the flow.  God wants us to ask, to struggle, to pray.  Hopefully by doing so, we can empty out some of ourselves in order to be filled with something greater.

I don’t know your story, your loss.  And for me (or anyone) to tell you that every experience can be wrapped up neatly with a “lesson learned” bow on top would be grounds for a good kick in the shins.  Or a house egging (I *may* have vengeful tendencies).  Chalking up hardships as teachable moments seems almost cruel, like throwing a kid in the ocean so they can learn to swim.

Apparently vengeful tendencies start early.  Yes, I'm the one with the devilish grin who is actively pinching my sweet cousin.

But it’s part of life.  And I believe God has the power to keep us safe from difficulty and pain, yet He doesn’t always.   Last week in a phone call with my friend, I was (very sarcastically) quoting my injustice blog post as it related to ANOTHER recently instituted adoption hurdle (Big eye roll.  Obviously, it needs to be even HARDER for good families to adopt children desperate for a home): “According to myself, I should be thankful for life’s imperfections.  It makes you long for heaven.”  You can imagine how helpful that mentality was in the middle of a crisis.  If you guessed “not in the least bit” helpful, you’re 100% right.  I wished I could travel back in time and give the Laura who wrote those words a good shake.  While I’m not disregarding or disputing the TRUTH of her statement, it just didn’t happen to ease any pain in the moment.

Sometimes we aren’t meant to understand.  Some answers will not be given.  The best we can do those days is to just GET. THROUGH. IT.  Keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other.  If that’s not inspirational enough for you, I apologize.  It truly is how my life looks during the crummiest times.  Not that we must trudge through difficult experiences without hope, but we also don’t need to exhaust ourselves by looking for meaning in each of life’s hardships.

Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors, gave a beautiful explanation concerning these hard unknowables.  “...We can only see the underside of the tapestry that God is weaving.  God sees the topside, the whole evolving portrait and its amazing beauty, and uses us as the pieces of thread to weave the picture.  We see the glorious colors and shadings, but we also see the knots and the threads hanging down, the thick lumpy patches, the tangles.”  

We are not isolated in our suffering.  Our “whys” will be woven into a story greater than just you and I, the ins and outs of our little lives.  As it says in 2 Corinthians 1:3b-4, “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”  Shared troubles can form connections in the blink of an eye.  The hard stuff binds us together, forms strong bonds.  And sometimes here on earth, the underside of the tapestry, those friendships can be answer enough to what we struggled through.

But what about when even the strongest, best human relationships can do little to help you cope?  That was the biggest issue in the midst of our battle with infertility.  We felt afraid, alone, and without hope.  I was reading through the Old Testament then (not something I’d necessarily recommend during difficult times) and stumbled across something I’d never noticed before in my Bible reading.  Exodus 20:21: “As the people stood in the distance, Moses entered into the deep darkness where God was.”  [My journal] "In these verses God was scary-He was thunderous and powerful.  Moses went straight in the middle and met God there.  Sometimes we look at a scary, dark, chaotic situation and forget that God can reach us in the middle of it.  God is there, we just have to come."

So, unlike Aesop, I’m not here to give you a moral today.  However I will definitively say that you are not ALONE, regardless of how singular your life circumstances feel.  Others have walked (and will walk) this road you travel.  I encourage you to be vulnerable, share your hurts.  Speaking from personal experience, there is boundless freedom and fellowship which can spring forth from that simple act of honesty.  And when your darkness is too deep, when all you can see is the tangled underside of life’s tapestry, call out to God.  He is big enough to handle your doubt, confusion, and anger.  He is there even in the craziest chaos, we-like Moses- just have to come.